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Sunday, July 12, 2015

July 15 our 1st "anniversary" date

  “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”Romans 8:18 

Verses like the ones mentioned above give me strength and the will to continue, to keep fighting the inner emotional battle I have to understand that one day I will not suffer anymore, one day I will be reunited with my kids and won't be sad, one day we will be together.

It's getting closer to the date when it all happened, July 15th is the day of the tragedy and I'm spending since June 30th my time again at the Ronald mc Donalds House in SLC.
It's been very hard emotionally and bitter sweet to spend the 4th of July and up till July 15th in SLC again just being reminded of the aftermath of the tragedy.
To be honest I have no clue how I would have dealt with spending the 4th in Lander this year, since I have very strong memories spending the time with the whole family and the joy we had that day.
It's been hard as I'm mentally counting off the days for the "burniversary" as burn survivors call it.
Luckily we planned a -2 week trip to Connecticut prior to our visit to SLC, to charge mentally and emotionally by visiting our long time friends and family in Nebraska, Chicago, Pennsylvania, Connecticut and even Massachusetts.



Both Noelle and I took the challenge to drive our Toyota Camry for 4300+ Miles with 21 month old twins, a 6 year old and a Pomeranian and build new amazing memories.
The kids had a blast outside of the long, looooooong car ride and were exposed to our family and friends that poured out love and prayer which gave us strength, they were exposed to the ocean, Dunkin Donuts, Baskin & Robbins, New Haven Pizza, Cannoli's, Sail boats and a lot more.
We felt refreshed, ready to fight the next chapter of our lives, up to SLC.
Arrived in Laramie after a 19hr drive Noelle and I separated ways, she and Beanie running the fort & Global Arts @ home in Lander, Wyoming and Remmy, Able & I heading to the Ronald mc Donald House and Hospital in SLC.

Back to SLC to work on Remmy's burns.
As most of you know Remmy suffered from 3rd and 4th degree burns on over 30 +% of his scalp and face. In burns of this degree as well as on grafted area's, the hair follicle will no longer be able to produce hair. Which will leave this precious boy with disfiguring scars. Remmy's medical team has approved him for Tissue Expansion Reconstruction of the Scalp.

A clear explanation about the specific procedure: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2884702/
These series of surgeries will leave Remmy with a full head of hair and most important, minimize immensely the scars he bears.
At this point it is unclear if he will need double or triple expansions. Each expansion includes multiple surgeries.
Through the tissue expanders (saline bags which are placed under the skin) the skin with hair still attached will be stretched to cover the effected area. The residue burn scar skin will then be removed.
the surgeries will take place in several stages, each stage consisting of 2 week intervals.
There are several dangers affiliated with this surgery. These dangers include a possibility that the bags can leak or explode, infections can occur at the surgery site or worst case, the bags can cause too much pressure on the brain.

But on the brighter side of things, I am happy to take my 2 boys (Able & Remmy) to SLC so we can do fun things while Remmy has his Doctors visits and surgery scheduled in these 2 weeks. We went to the Minion Movie Red Carpet Premiere (sponsored by Universal Studio's, Hershey & Mc Donald's) we were able to watch the movie before it's even out in the Theatre's, also we were again blessed with a trip to see the Utah Jazz playing a game against the Spurs and Celtics vs 76'ers, even today a meet and greet with a famous Football player Zane Beadles (former Broncos now Jaguars offensive lineman).
The Ronald mc Donald House continues spoiling their residents again with great activities, like my dad says 'Their burgers and food are disgusting and a joke but their cause with these houses makes me look at a different perspective at their donation boxes in their fast-food joints'.
Personally for me it's therapeutic to spend as much time with Able & Remmy as possible to build new wonderful memories. Next to the amazing activities and meals made by the volunteers, the RMH gives parents a little break since they have all kinds of things to do for the kids in house. Also you are not alone as a parents since all the other parents go through similar things including hospitalized and loss of their children.
I talk often with Able about Zeph & Noah which helps me and hopefully him too to cope with our loss, it's noticeable that he misses his best friends he ever had. 
We talk about the fun times, the naughty times, the joy, the tears, the fights and memorable times.
I just want it to be that Zeph & Noah will never be forgotten and Rem & Beanie know that they had some amazing brother's, some times I wonder what they remember or if they were too young.
But then again often Beanie and Remmy point at pictures or point at someone who looks like one of their brothers and mentions their names.

It continues to be a battle to wake up and put that smile on your face looking forward for the day to come. But we are destined to continue to thrive and be there for our own kids, being amazing and loving parents.
I choose not to fill the gap, the sore spot, the empty hole with an addiction or negative source (like depression) but by the grace of God to fill it with His love for us and something I can reflect to my kids and the rest of the world.
I want to live my life fully, expanding horizons, love, endure, fight, finding meaningful reasons to use ALL of my life lessons into my life's purpose.
I want to reflect life, love, peace, joy, passion and more.
As Viktor Frankl says:
For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.
 
Remmy's last appointment in these two weeks is July 14th and I plan to be back in Lander the 15th so I can be there physically, not that I really want to, but feel that I need to.
I know it's going to be a very hard day, but I believe if we are all together we can make it through by the Grace of God.

Although we are able to run our own business and were able to travel to the  East Coast (by car and staying with friends and family since that saved us quite some money instead hotels and air fairs).
We still have to deal with the many continues medical expenses of the aftermath of the tragedy which includes specialist visits, medication to deal with our trauma and more.
There is a Gofundme account set aside for us to get back on our feet again and was set up the night of the tragedy.  http://www.gofundme.com/loveforthevandijks
Also specially for Remmy's recovery on his burns dear friends of our set up a different Gofundme account that outside of the medical expenses, it will cover the cost of travel (up and down to SLC), lodging and meals which adds up pretty quickly. http://www.gofundme.com/remmyroad

If you have it on your heart we'd appreciate you donating to these accounts or contact Central Bank & Trust in Lander (307) 332-4730 so there won't be taken out a 5% fee as in Gofundme

Noelle summed up in a very beautiful way how thankful we as a family are to have you all in our lives....Over the last 3 months I have been experiencing true love in the deepest parts of my heart.....from our Creator but echoed to me through all of you. I am now ever aware that we are all connected, each one of us. And that when God allows us to live though a catastrophe and simultaneously allows others to die.... It truly becomes a daily question, why am I still here? What more am I to do according to His will? For the longest time it hurt that I couldn't answ...er people's questions about 'how we are doing' because the depth of that question is impossible at times. ...in fact all the time. But today is good. And I have amazing choices to make this string of moments....I just want to say this also....I notice the beautiful and kind and selfless things YOU my beautiful friends and family are doing for our family and others. And if you ever doubt that others don't see .....Remember that God is always listening always watching and always smiling upon your good works, your beautiful heart, your loving prayers. You are beautiful all of you, and one day we will all see the beauty of the love we showed ourselves and others in this life. Cont the good fight friends as your love has preserved ME and countless others. We are often called strong but remember it was YOU who picked us up. YOU who fed us YOU who clothed us YOU who ushered Gods peace by prayer, a hug, a cup of coffee. I have more faith in humanity being made in the image of God than I ever have had in my life. I love you and I thank you for loving me and ours. And I encourage you to see the beautiful things you and others are doing every day for one day you will put on these blessings like robes and precious jewels as we go home to our maker ......the one we make smile

Monday, May 18, 2015

To flee or to fight!

It's been a while that I wrote a blog, next to procrastinating I've been quite busy with so many things, from figuring out how we as a family will visit our friends and family on the East Coast this summer to how we're going to manage to be at my brother's wedding in the Netherlands in October.
From running our new store to training to become a fire fighter.
I've had many moments of giving up, to disappear, to run, to hide, to move to a different State or even a different Country.
Facing my daily "demons" isn't an easy thing, but also to flee away from it isn't going to help anything either. It's hard not to be angry, hard not to be bitter and upset and I personally think it's fine......I'm at least communicating about it in physical, vocal and expressive matter.
I faced a wide variety of trials that led back to back flashes of what happened the night of July 15, it's been over 10 months ago and it still feels like it was just one month ago.

Conquering the force that caused the damage.
About 4 weeks ago I was in Cody to train at the fire school and it was tough, it was tough to be surrounded by fire fighters and not to think about my boys, I got reminded by so many sensory factors, I was most of the time in my bunkers, smelled smoke, heard sirens, saw fire fighters in action....I could only think .....If I could only, If I only knew what I know now.....I could have.....saved them. With tears in my eyes I called out their names many times during the training; Zephy, Noah ....I miss you, daddy is so sorry he couldn't save you.
I applied to become a fire fighter for many reasons, and one of them is that I don't want anyone in my community to experience what I do, I want to fight, I want to save, I want to help.....there where I couldn't before, I will hopefully now.
I really want to redeem myself, not only because I continue to feel guilty or feel like I failed.
It's easy for me to build a wall so my emotions cannot escape, I rather put all that energy in something good, something useful. I could easily choose an addiction or something that will fill that empty spot in my heart with something that temporarily heals. But eventually it will tear me a part.
This is one of the many daily choices I make because I want to live, I don't want to live a depressed and angry life.
One example of me choosing to overcome my daily struggle: I choose to face the killer of my children from a different angle, I choose to become one of the hero's that will be able to cuss to yell and to destroy this killer with physical, spiritual and mental labor, I choose to become a fire fighter.
The unpredictable force that destroyed my life almost (I said almost), I am hoping that I will become one of those heroes that will prevent the fire that could ruin the life's of my community, I'm not wanting to fight it for an adrenaline kick, I just don't want anyone else to experience what I have to experience.
I hope I could become that pillar people want to rest on, I want to be able to be someone who is of a source of wisdom physically, psychologically and spiritually...someone who can be of help to someone who is dealing with loss or grief, someone who had to deal with fire being the source of their loss.
I hope that I could be there for the many fire fighters who are fathers and mothers and who have to deal with PTSD because they had to fight against fire that has killed and has destroyed.
Many other reasons are relative why I want to become a fire fighter, I love my community and wish nobody not even my worst enemies that they will go through the same thing as I do.

How I try to cope
Talking about my loss and grief or using ways to express seem to be working.
A friend of mine who hadn't seen me since the tragedy said that my eyes were speaking more then ever, they spoke that I was hurt, sad and broken inside, my eyes were sharing a story.
Luckily I do have some positive outlets where I can put my time and energy in to deal with my loss and grief like spending quality time with my kids, music, fishing, cooking, being at our new store to just call a few.
Loss of a loved one continues to be agonizing but I can also find strength in it, it totally depends on how I choose to deal with it.
I've considered many times to sit in a corner and due to my depression grow anger and bitterness, but I choose to be the father, the husband, the friend and the neighbor that is involved, hoping that I can be full of life and hopefully a roll model. My former co-workers commented to me that I was so much more different than before the tragedy, that I looked and sounded angry, I found that kind of a normal thing, and such a weird thing for others to be pointing out, it's quite normal that the jolly and foolish old me is extremely hurt and looks at life from a different perspective now. They insisted that I should find professional help to deal with my PTSD, I had a hard time finding someone locally since I knew all professionals and worked with them over the past 6 years, I didn't think anyone was able to work with a case like mine, it took a while for me to really understand it was myself and not the specialist who has to make the ability to work on my PTSD.

To flee or to fight
I felt that I had to make a choice to face my "demons", my fear, my depression, my anger, my loss, my grief and my emotions.
I have the control over how I wanted to be seen by the publics eyes.
I want to be seen as the father that continues to spend quality time with what I still have left on this earth, I want to be happy again, I want to enjoy my life again, although there are large pieces torn out of my heart, I want to smile again, enjoy my family again, enjoy the community, enjoy life again. 
My confrontation with death, being in a blazing fire, my 3rd degree burns, the realization that I could die of my burns the night of July 15th, the loss of most of my belongings, my house, the loss of my dear sons, the severe burns on my 9 month old twin boy, it makes everything look so precious, so sacred, so beautiful that I feel more strongly than ever the impulse to love it, to embrace it, and to let myself be overwhelmed by it. Somehow death and its ever present possibility makes love, passionate love, more possible. I continue to long for the day I will leave this earth, I occasionally wish for that day that I will be without the mental & physical pain.........but I know that time isn't here yet, I have still so much to live for. I'm just blessed that I have that sacred understanding that one day I will be reunited with Zephy & Noah again, that that day will come that I will not feel the pain anymore, that the day will come I will no longer have that fear again and my memory will be washed away because of all the beautiful things that will surround me.
It's a daily struggle for me to choose life above depression since it is haunting me.

Global Arts 
learned that whatever struggle you have to go through in your life you can use it as a tool to help others, you can choose to use that experience to become the foundation of your calling, instead of it condemning you, you can use it to resurrect you.
I also know and feel that something larger and bigger then anything else is watching over me, giving me strength to continue and to go on, I don't feel alone in this, I feel like I'm carried in prayer.
Noelle and I are blessed that because of many people's prayers, financial, physical and material help we can continue and start over again, I finally have a job again (since October is a very long time)...being self employed owning Global arts (since May 1st) we can hopefully do something back for our community.
Since we opened GlobalArts I have been able to share to many visitors and customers at the gallery a story about a painting painted by Melissa Strickler, it's called shadowlands and it's a collage made out of photography, magazine/newspaper articles, wasp nest, church window glass, watercolor, oil paint and a lot more.
It is a very spiritual piece that the painter wants to share that there is always someone watching over you in the darkest moments of your life.
I noticed that this painting has spoken not only to me but also many other people coming in the gallery, feel free to look at it and share/comments how this painting speaks to you and what you see.
Noelle started picking up making art again and I'm amongst the community trying to make the customers and visitors happy, for both of us this has a very therapeutic effect.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Counting the blessings.....

For quite a while I've been angry, angry that I lost my sons, angry that this had to happen to my children, angry that this tragedy had to happen to my family, angry at myself that I could have been the cause of the tragedy, angry that I couldn't save all my children, angry that some people didn't care, some people were ruthless to say that they didn't care, it was pain that had to develop and is still developing.
Pain that is covering the surface of my emotional well being, people even said that I looked different then before the tragedy, acted different, but what would you expect?
Would you expect the jolly old me, just acting that this tragedy didn't hurt my inner core, my heart, my emotion, my spirit.
In the midst was a dear friend, who has been a mother to me for many years, she traveled all the way from the East Coast and stayed, helped out when help was definitely needed since both me and Noelle were acting like zombies from "the Walking Dead" TV show, she would say.... Feike, do you see there is so much favor?
I could see but I could not feel, they could say, but I could not hear....the tragedy had such an impact that I was blinded to see, the lack of sleep, the overwhelming amount of emotion, the pain, the anger, the lonesomeness, the depression, the medications, it all took the man out of me.
Slowly I am able to forgive myself, forgive the people that don't care, slowly I'm working on the ability to see, to hear and to feel again.
I know that there have been tons and tons of favor or as many other people say blessings, but actually, seeing, hearing, feeling and understanding was another step in my time of grief.

We are so extremely thankful for our community, friends, family, former students of mine, class mates, church family here in Lander Wy, on the East Coast, in the Netherlands and people we don't even know but heard our story and wanted to get involved,  and have helped us out to start all over again.
The monetary help, the prayers, the logistic help, the practical help, the medical help, the first responders on the scene, the Burn Unit in SLC, the Shoshone tribe, my co-workers and our ex co-workers and I can go on.
It's been incredible how people intensively have been there to help our family out with all these things and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
We had to start all over again and you all have been such an incredible help.
We were able to purchase a house which we can call our home and we will start new memories with the family here.
But we also were able to start our own business, May 1st we will be the brand spanking new owners of Global Arts in Lander http://www.globalartslander.com/, https://www.facebook.com/globalartslander
It is such an interesting story to tell; Noelle has always wanted to do more with her art degrees and I love promoting, marketing and sales, both our parents have owned art/antique stores, so we kind of grew up with knowledge and understanding.
I lost my job last year and this is giving us a fresh outlook on things since we have lived off  my unemployment and Noelle and I can rotate schedules running the business and still spend a lot of time with our kids.
We are thankful that there is a possibility for us to look into our future with a smile on our face now.

People from all different corners are continuous helping us 8 months after the tragedy, with gift cards, dropping food off at our doorsteps, neighbors dropping cookies, books and clothes off etc.
Even last week, Remmy and I had to go through our regular amount of visits with medical specialists in SLC and upon arrival at the wonderful Ronald Mc Donald House there were Utah Jazz tickets with Parking, Dinner, half time food/drinks and meet & greet with Memo Okur all donated by the humble friendly giant Jazz basket player Derrick Favors (he's a RMcD Ambassador).
It was a great way to end our visit (which drains a lot of energy out of both of us) to SLC, Remmy was 1st scared of the loud noises but within minutes he was yelling and doing the wave himself.
Blessed beyond words since the RMcD House and Favs set this one up....they made all these energy sucking visits to the specialists this last week worthwhile.

Remmy is doing great, his face scarring will be reduced by a special mask designed for him, his arm and leg scars also will fade by wearing special compression garments.
Remmy is still taking medications for nerve pains and itchy-ness but has been off narcotics for a little while and he's been doing very well considering the burn injuries he's had.
He's is such a strong boy but at the same time full of life and joy, he loves to sing and be funny.
Remmy is going back into surgery in July and then in August, he has to get re-intubated and probably will receive narcotics.
We are not really looking forward to that process but think it will be better for him to get this all done now that later in his life.

Beanie is a great character, she's such a little princess, she's got little diva moments, but also loves to cuddle and wrestle. She is with most things a step ahead of Remmy, but what would you expect she is the 3 minute older twin sister and it's definitely visible.

Able is doing great at kindergarten, he gets along with his classmates, he's got a lot of  A's a couple B's......Loves Star Wars and Math is his favorite thing and he's really good at it, he's somewhat a geek which surprises Noelle and me not knowing where that comes from.
Able wants to become an Astronaut....

Noelle and I are looking forward to make new steps, since we have been grieving about our loss we've been growing closer to each other in many ways but also had tough moments.
We will be attending couples therapy in a different state soon since we have had to cancel it due to unexpected illnesses and circumstances (Noelle had Pneumonia while I was in SLC, but she is getting better by the day.) The Burn Unit in SLC also has special designed camps for different age groups to help individuals dealing with their loss and with their wounds.
Noelle and I have been invited to partake with professional staff and other burn victims in a camp rafting the Colorado River in September.
These camps are funded by an annual auction https://myab.co/events/u3/
I'll also partake in a spiritual journey climbing the Rockies and the Mount of the Holy Cross in Colorado this summer with climbers from Lander.

One huge thing that has happened is also that I applied for being a part of the Lander Volunteer Fire Squad, I will be as an intern training amongst local heroes fighting my own demons, but at the same time I'm hoping I'll be helping them in many ways.
Able 1st was afraid and angry when he heard about my plans becoming a fire fighter but after I explained to him why I wanted to do this he understood.
He even said a couple of weeks ago he wanted to become just like me......and also become a fire fighter.

There is so much ahead of us and we are thriving as a family and want to thank you for all of your help and prayers, we love ya'll...

Saturday, February 28, 2015

The show must go on!

While sitting in a sofa, sipping on a hot toddy (seems the best remedy, since everyone in the family has had a stomach bug this week, except for me) listening to the lullabies from the babies room, I finally have the time to write this blog.
Noelle is in SLC picking up a College room mate and spending some time in SLC before or after heading to Wyoming when the next snow storm has hit Lander's soil.
I've felt empty the last couple days, drained of quite a lot of energy.....maybe it's because there is a change of PTSD and sleeping medication and I haven't slept much, but I also haven't had much time not thinking about Zephy and Noah....It hurts so much just trying to imagine their faces, their smiles and laughter. We've been busy moving into our new house, which we have been able to purchase, thankfully due to the many blessings of the many readers of this blog.
I was also finally ready (had kept it quiet for a while) to share with the "Facebook" world that I've been terminated from my job which I've wanted for about 10 yrs, I lost that job since October 5th.
I am not ready to share how and why I got terminated but I can tell you it was ugly and painful.
Also the professionals that have been seeing us haven't seen a penny from our insurance (which is through my former employer) the professionals could easily decline our visits to them, if the insurance keeps on postponing payments to the psychiatrists, is this going to help any of our mention/psychological and emotional healing has been the rhetorical question on my mind.
I've been applying for jobs and have been declined, even one email mentioned without any reason that I was ineligible. All of this makes it harder, since I strongly belief that I was meant to be the provider for my family. I've slid and have fallen but never given up, we will get out of this mess, or has it been a blessing in disguise, we've had it rough emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically since the night of July 15th but have still a long road ahead of us.
Sometimes it feels like all struggle falls at once; or wait, is there still more to come, even my former co-workers from my last job that I once saw as friends and at one time were a big help through this tragedy and before the tragedy seem afraid that they are loosing their jobs if they continue being friends with me, so somehow they all quit contacting me since October 5th.....
I'm also quite clueless about the future, what direction should I go, what career steps should I take etc?
The first steps we have been taken over the last week or so, where quite a lot of important decisions ahead of us, including the beautiful but almost 100 year old house we purchased and Remmy's surgery dates in July and August, also in August I am already preparing the climb to the Mountain of the Holy Cross, which will be a spiritual journey I'll take at 14009 Feet that is 4270 m for the non Americans reading this.

First of, I should not have started the subject with "the show must go on" although sometimes it feels like that I live like Jim Carey in the Truman show......it's like everything I've gone through since July has been a TV set.....but maybe it's more like "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" also a Jim Carey Movie but one of his more serious roles. If you haven't seen that movie, it's worth it, it's a good thinker.
The title or subject line should actually say "and Life just goes on!"

2 Corinthians 4-16:18
Explains it's easy to loose heart and quit, many of us have faced problems in our relationships, work and other places in our lives that have caused us to think to give up.
Rather then quitting when persecution wore him down , Paul himself concentrated on the inner strength that came from the Holy spirit.


Don't let fatigue, pain or criticism force you of the job, instead renew your commitment to serving Christ. Don't forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of today's pain, your very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen you moment by moment.
Our troubles should not diminish our faith or disillusion us. We should realize there is a greater purpose in our sufferings (which to be honest I still struggle with and do not understand all the time), they keep us beyond this brief life on earth, they give us the opportunity to prove our faith to others.
They give God open doorways to His plan, to be of help to others dealing with the same sort of pain and /or issues.
The ultimate hope when we experience pain is the realization that this life is not all there is, there is life after Death! Knowing that, we will live forever with the Creator our God without any more pain and suffering, this knowledge can help us to live above the pain that we face in this earthly life.

There are in life some tragedies too big for a heart to hold, and they defy any description that makes any sense. Loosing my house, belongings and most painful my two sons Zephy and Noah don't make any sense to me. I'm extremely grateful that this heart is shared with so many people in our community, my family and even people that I've never met before and heard about our story.
I'm above all grateful for God, giving me the strength to go on........and to keep looking further into our future.

www.loveforthevandijks.info

                                                            The Real Nacho Libre!!

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Big Boys should Cry!

As a young child I was taught just like many other children not to cry, "to be a big boy" about that scrape, cut, people teasing you etc.
Tears, crying nowadays especially in men's perspective is seen as a sign of weakness.
Do you remember your dad, brothers, parents or even the media ever say: real men don't cry!?
We men are taught in our society that we are not meant to cry, we are meant to be strong, independent and emotionless almost like robots, it's an illusion and it's a lie.

I just had a very tough week behind me, I'm burdened with pain......have had a hard time forgiving myself, feeling that I've not been the father to my children prior to the fire, the husband I once was to Noelle, jobless and made it publicly known that I haven't been employed since November 5th.
I've been extremely tearful lately missing my sons, looking at our circumstances, but still knowing that there is favor.

As an artist/musician/social worker/activities director etc. I always have been an emotional person, able to catch or create an atmosphere were emotion was necessary but I never was the one that cried a lot. I was always attracted to the rough Wyoming life style because I always thought it would toughen me up a little more. But still until this day, people may know that I cry when I tap the head of a fish or field dress the liveless animal that I shot minutes before.
I for instance did cry out my eye balls when I saw the 1st Ice age cartoon in 2002-2003 when at the end Manny the Mammoth after a long walk full of dangerous adventures gives the human baby back to his father, I was very touched by how they captured the love of this father to his son in a cartoon ending with a song of Rusted Root "send me on my way"......my friends looked at me like it was unreal, they saw this big guy crying over such a "silly" thing.

Noelle loves to go to the thrift shop and Lander has some great ones, about a month before the fire, she found a Bible, I was super stoked since I was not a big fan carrying around that huge black, hardcover, heavy book around to work and other places, no this was a good size (great letter type size) thin and leather cover bible but not until after 2 weeks before the accident I noticed the whole book of Job was missing (maybe that's why it was so light weight and thin)......But was this a sign?

In Job 16:19
We read in the book of Job that he cried and cried about all the misery that happened in his life
Job was afraid that God had abandoned him, yet he appealed directly to God (his Witness and Advocate) and to God's knowledge of his innocence. A witness is someone who has seen what has happened, and an advocate is like a lawyer who speaks on behalf of the plaintiff.
By using these terms, Job showed he had cast all his hope for any fair defense upon God in Heaven because he probably die before it happened on earth. (this is how I feel very connected with Job and his story). In the New Testament we learn that Jesus Christ Himself intercedes on our behalf :(Hebrews 7:25  and John 2:1).
Therefore we have nothing to fear........

Crying is a helpful part of our recovery process, tears are healing gifts from our God washing away our pain, clearing our souls.

Tears were unable to develop when both Noelle and I were standing & screaming while our log home on Lyons Valley was on fire the evening of July 15th 2014, both of us didn't feel our own 3rd and 2nd degree burns, but we cried out as loud as we could the names of our boys.....Zephy!......Noah!....
It was so hot that tears could not develop, we kept on screaming and calling their names.
I looked aside of me and saw one of the dog blankets asking if anyone standing aside (2 men) had water or a fire extinguisher to drench the blanket so I could run inside and save my 2 precious boys.
Noelle attempted several times to go inside, only seeing black smoke and at one attempt able to save one of our Pomeranians, then she ran back and it seemed like there was a wall of fire (which wasn't visible but surely felt) keeping her away from the open side door.
Before I didn't get any answer (about the blanket) I was ready to enter the house.......then I heard an order:, Don't go inside, you won't make it! They are already gone!'
Noelle and I looked each other in the eyes and knew it was time accept that we did everything in our own power to save Zephy and Noah.
We were directed to the Sheriff's Deputy that was able to produce tears and who we have known since we moved to Wyoming, he seemed to produce our tears when I told him that Zephy and Noah were still in the house. The house was completely in flames within 2-4 minutes.
The ambulance arrived, fire trucks arrived , sirens were going, there was chaos and panic at least in my mind, still thinking I was having a bad dream and this was not real, it was just a nightmare.
Noelle and I got separated due to our differences in burns, I had Remmy wrapped in blankets and sat on the stretcher in the ambulance looking through this tiny window seeing and hearing the tin roof separating from the log home itself....I will never forget that loud sound.
The ambulance was taking us to the hospital and still in my mind thinking it was a bad dream.
In the E.R. I got asked a million of questions, the nurses, chaplain, sheriff deputies etc.
Again I got separated but this time they took Remmy away from me......it was a very hard sight to give my son who was in a tremendous pain and screaming to the nurses.
The blinds of the E.R. room were still open when they put me in the outer room/area, I'm seeing dear friends in shock in prayer in the waiting room and stretched my hand out to the window letting them know I'm aware and appreciate their presence.
Immediately the nurses closed the blinds and again more questions got asked, I probably didn't rationally answer them all envisioning my house on fire, my sons in the house, and smelling the smell of the burned clothing that I was wearing, still thinking it was a bad nightmare.
I see my Pastor walking up to me, felt relieve and can't remember much of what I shared with him, but saw tears in my Pastors eyes.
Suddenly I was given paperwork I had to sign and after signing, got undressed, was put on a stretcher and saw my friend the Sheriff's Deputy, he asked me what he could do, I remembered that he had a co-worker whose wife is Dutch, if he could ask her if she could call my mother and let her know what was going on, since my mother doesn't speak any English.
I was told Remmy and I were going to be life flighted due to our severity of burns but also the fear that I singed airways or lungs.
I wanted to see Noelle, Beanie and Able before I go, I asked them friendly, I saw Able drawing, Beanie clinging a lady we didn't know (but now we see as a dear friend), Noelle was taken care of by nurses and still in shock.
Then, I was put on a stretcher, bright light aimed at my face, next thing I woke up in SLC in the Burn Unit and felt a catheter was put in.
I turned slowly and saw one of our elders (who became a good friend) on the couch next to my bed.
The first thing I wanted to do when I was capable to speak, think and had enough strength to move see Remmy, It finally came to me that I wasn't dreaming but my worst nightmare had become reality.
When the nurses were able to move me into a wheelchair I went to Remmy's Room in the same Unit, there he was, my 10 month old son laying in a small hospital bed (crib), wrapped in oozing bandages, swollen, intubated (where a machine does the breathing for you) almost life-less, beeping monitors, I.V.'s, but luckily there was also someone singing to him and holding his hand (the elder's wife).
Everything came to the realization  that I needed to cry, I cried so hard, I think I even had to throw up, since so much emotion became one finally one expression of pain.
Everyone in our room cried, my friends (the elders) but also the nursing staff cried along with us.

Doesn't it say in the Psalms somewhere that God preserves every tear, none of our sufferings is in vain????







Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Is it rational for me to be angry?!

I've often been in a phase that's called anger (Loosing two kids and most of your belongings, can definitely cause that emotion, correct?), but who am I angry at?
I'm called snappy, upset, loud, angry, mad, threatening, but my friends know that I am not an angry person and definitely not a violent person.
Anger in the Bible is seen as a huge sin (but how can I not be angry?)
Matthew 5:22 explains that anger violates God's commandment to Love, Anger in many cases refers to seething, brooding bitterness against someone, it is a dangerous but quite natural emotion that threatens to leap out and leads into violence, emotional hurt, increased mental stress, and spiritual damage.
Anger keeps us from developing a spirit pleasing to God.
Have you ever been proud that you didn't strike out and say what was really on your mind?
Self control is good, but Christ wants us to practice thought-control as well.
Jesus said that we will be held accountable even for our attitudes.
Even after our family's tragedy, how can we follow that commandment, it isn't easy and it's a daily, hourly, minute choice I have to make.......
Victor Frankl a Jewish Psychiatrist and Survivor of WW2's concentration camps included Auschwitz (yesterday it was 70 years ago that it was liberated) Once said; It is a question of the attitude one takes towards life's challenges and opportunities, both large and small, a positive attitude enables a person to endure suffering and disappointment as well as enhance enjoyment and satisfaction.
A negative attitude intensifies pain and deepens disappointments; it undermines and diminishes pleasure, happiness and satisfaction, it may even lead to depression or physical illness. Frankl was one of the "blessed" ones that survived the camps and stayed in Austria his main population he helped as a psychiatrist after WW2 were actually Nazi Soldiers and Officers, he didn't treat them as any other patient he actually cared for..
A friend I met after the tragedy once said to me, "don't you think certain individuals in the Bible itself weren't angry towards God? Job, or even Jesus, weren't they angry, due to pain and injustice, how was their attitude towards all the things they had to go through.
Don't you think that from all the different language translations including Aramaic, Greek, Roman, Latin etc. some words in anger towards God spoken/written by people like Moses, Elijah, Job were excessive but even profound and lost in translation?
Of course I have my moments of anger, my two sons were stolen several feet away from me, and yes I've used terms and slang due to anger which I will not repeat and they've gone further then "All Mighty Smiter, Smite me!"
Still on a daily basis I have to deal with anger, mostly in my own mind and heart, I try my best not to reflect it to others.
But my faith in God has not become in danger, many men I've spoken with don't believe in a God that would not cause hurt and pain in innocent children and babies, I believe the God I serve and believe in, takes care of the children and babies in a remarkable way.
A dear friend of mine, who I had the privilege traveling through Europe forming the rhythm section of a Christian Rock band recorded how he envisioned the way he thinks it happened.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7A4tiQfF-0
My believe is also that it wasn't God who did this.....It was actually the opposite, it was that nasty evil one called Satan, he likes to hurt people and stir things up.
Many worse things still happen on this earth, think about the hunger epidemic in certain countries in Africa, think about ISIS, think about North Korea, the floods, the airplain crashes etc.
I believe Satan is testing me personally, and how I am responding and if my faith in God will dwindle.
I can say that I cussed, I cried, begged and still don't understand....but am also understanding that somewhere in the Psalms is written that God preserves all our tears, perhaps none of our suffering is in vain. I believe God is a loving God, this episode in our lives has a deeper meaning, what it is I maybe will never know until I meet Zephy and Noah in Heaven myself.
It was a blessing to see them develop and God picked us as their parents although it was a very short time. Continuously things happen on a daily basis that make me angry, people just after the accident have been posting dumb things about what happens when you leave a grill unattended, and that we were irresponsible parents, EXCUSE me ignorant individual, please say that straight in my face if you have some guts....the grill wasn't even on.
I know this is a fact since I'm the only one that cooks on that grill, so next time if you want to sound a "little" smarter, more sensitive, compassionate and less ignorant on the worldwide web, think before you post!
Or go visit me and my and my 10 month old son struggling for his life with 3rd and 4th degree wounds in the Burn Unit in SLC and say these things in my face. The same week I returned to Lander, exploring the playground with Able an 8-9 year old girl walks up to me and says;" I'm so sorry what happened with your children and your house, but you should know, that you should never leave your grill unattended"!
I did my best not to cry, but did tell the little girl patiently and quietly that she could tell her parents that the grill wasn't even turned on and if they had any questions they were welcome to talk to me in person. 
Of course, no parent showed up......inside I was hurt, I carried a lot of pain and was actually quite angry that a parent gossiped such lies to their young children.
Although I'm a big guy, I'm as sweet and squishy as a Giant Gummy Bear.
My fuse has been a little shorter since the accident, some people understand why, and other's just don't care, some even ignited the fuse several times.
Our families hurt has been so deep and it's been extremely painful, we feel even though so many people reached out, we have felt occasionally isolated, we've longed hearing Zephy and Noah's voices, see their faces or even cuddle and wrestle with them.
We also know that without our faith and redemption that we would not be anywhere where we are at, right now.
I'm grateful for the ones that do understand and have been sensitive, I'm grateful for the individuals that have been helping us out physically, mentally and spiritually, that have stretched their arms out to bless us in abundance.
Researchers at Yale University School of Medicine have been impressed by the number of prisoners of the Vietnam war, who explicitly claimed that although their captivity was extraordinarily stressful, filled with torture, disease, malnutrition and solitary confinement, they nevertheless........"benefited from the captivity experience, seeing as a growth experience mentally, emotionally and often spiritually." Their faith grew after such painful experiences in their life's.
I can for certain say that my personal diagnosis of PTSD has made me a different man, certain days I'm snappier then other days, some days are tougher then other days.
One comment or event can change my perspective and can trigger my emotions easily.
Sometimes I have to sit and cry, sometimes I have to "take some time to cool off".
Although I will never become someone like the Hulk, that after an angry outburst rips his clothes off, grows in size and muscles and changes of color of skin. (although sometimes I had that super power)
I have a differen't way of expressing anger, and luckily it's more introvert and hidden in my soul.
So the main question is, is it okay to be angry......I would say yes it is, but your attitude dealing with the anger is the most important aspect of your anger.
Have I been angry with God, yes I have.....but does a Father love His son less when His son is angry at Him?
I do have to make a Paradigm Shift here on a daily basis and it's a tough one.
From being angry, I have to be thankful, thankful what individuals have done for my family, thankful for what's going to happen next, not knowing what.
Thankful for the occasional rest, peace and comfort I feel.
Thankful for what I still have left, on this earth.
Not Angry, but Thankful!
When we accept the mercy and love of God into our lives, the pain of separation will lean into healing, slowly, BUT SURELY.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Fear is taking control over many lives!

Fear is an illusion you personally choose to have it take control over your mind body and personality. Fear can only become realism if you partake in it, it is easy to take fully control over you, but you can fight and conquer it. Did I have or do I have fear, of course I do, fear has been for me a daily battle. My main fear now is if something bad again is going to happen with my family.
My fear for fire has been gone (it did take a while to fight it!), I even spoke with the chief firefighter about options becoming a volunteer firefighter.
When my son Able told me that I'm a super hero because
I saved his twin brother and his twin sister's lives I felt shortly did I have no fear at all, until suddenly guilt and pain came over me.
Questioning why I didn't go back into the house to find Zephy and Noah, God knows I tried, Noelle tried and then knowing that they were in between six and eight feet away from us. The house was already completely in flames the smoke and the heat was so overwhelming and those 2 to 4 minutes we had, almost went by in slow motion but also it seemed too unreal, I thought it was a bad dream at the time until I woke up in Salt Lake City with all those nice and cute Nurses (ask Remmy) and having inserted a catheter.
That made me understand that my worst fear became reality, my family, my own children they got hurt. I didn't care so much about my 3rd degree burns, but my 10 month old baby who was struggling  for his own life a couple of rooms away from me.
My fear now is that my attitude towards life will change.
Will I ever be able to fulfill my duty on this planet assigned by the Creator.
My attitude needs to continue with helping people in need.
There is fear everywhere around you, fear of non-understanding, fear of non-appreciation, fear of deception, fear of self consciousness, fear of life, fear of death, fear of wars, fear of aliens taking control over this world, or even the zombie apocalypse, fear of financial distress,I can go on........fear is all around you and it's sneaking inside of people's brains and into their souls.
One of my heroes said once" May your choices reflect your hopes and not your fears." (Nelson Mandela) There is nowadays so much fear reigning over individuals and even whole nations,
the ratio of suicide due to fear and anxiety is growing, people of different religions and different colors of skins are slaughtering each other, Fear about what other's think because of your sexual preference......(is history repeating itself?) and that is all about fear.
My fact that I try to share is that fear is not Godly fear is evil, don't choose to have it take control over you, don't partake in it.

Scriptures like 1 Peter 5:6-7 will share 'Humble yourselves (see the attitude thing I mentioned before?) therefore, under God's mighty hand that he may lift you up in due time.
Cast all your anxiety and fear on him because he cares for you.

I also challenge you to read Psalm 55 first 22 and 23.

Be Fearless, be strong and have the right attitude the Creator has assigned to you.
#Loveforthevandijks

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

2015 better be a better journey then 2014

2015 better be a better journey then 2014 which has been a hard year for the van Dijk family were a house fire burned down all the belongings including two beloved sons Zephy four years old and Noah two years old.
Today we are actually 2 days shy of the 6th month "anniversary" since the fire changed our lives forever.
This morning Noelle actually had a realistic dream, she woke up in tears even after her 1st cup of coffee her 2nd cup of coffee she was still crying trying to explain what she dreamt.... Since the fire we've been praying for positive dreams relating Zephy and Noah and finally today was the day. The day that Remmy and I would drive 6+ hours to Salt Lake City on the slick and foggy roads on our way to the best burn unit this nation has.
They will be looking at any progress Remmy has had after his 3rd and 4th degree wounds.
Since I'm a musician I like to listen to music on these long rides and the only music I could find was Christmas music Noelle has left in the car. 
The best album was the Apalachian Christmas music with mandolin, banjo, dip spit buckets and moonshine bottles.
I couldn't stop crying thinking about Noelle's dream but also how the boys, if they were still around would sing along with the songs in the same style...
To be honest I haven't had the best Holiday spirit although amazing friends and family from all over have tried to accommodate us the best they could (which we appreciate with all the outpouring of their love) with a donated tree at Nana's house 
(Noelle's mom) since we couldn't cope emotionally having one in our temporarily house. Presents piled high around this tree. Thanksgiving @ Uncle Grobby's (Noelle's brother) girlfriends house in Thermopolis and New Years was nothing special, we just went to bed at 9pm praying that 2015 would better be a better year for us.
Today I read Isaiah 30:15 and wrote these notes. When we wait in quietness and confidence,we have everything to say to G'd especially, Thank You.
Salvation comes from God alone, we can fully trust him and be peacefully confident that he will give us strength. To face our difficulties we should lay down our well laid plans aside and allow him to act.