written by journalist Gert-Jan Schaap......both Gert-Jan and the E.O. visie said it's alright to use
this article.
Please feel free to contact me if you have more questions or need more info.
Kindest regards,
Feike van Dijk.
19 March 2016 in the file of EO Visie
`Our boys are now in a place without any
pain
By a fire Feike van Dijk lost 2 of his children.
On a summer day in 2014, Feike van Dijk lost not only his log home in
Lander (Wyoming, the US), but also 2 of his children. He and his American
wife Noelle did not succeed saving Zephy (4) and Noah (2) from the
sudden fire sea. Now Feike follows the training to become a fireman. ‘With
that I want honor my boys’.
I ran to our burning house while Noelle desperately tried to enter her way
inside but due to the extensive heat and black smoke after many attempts it
was impossible to find them. We’re standing beside each other and a wall of
heat pressed us back while we try to enter again. We shout their names.
“Zephy, Noah” and we were able to hear them both. They scream out to us,
and cough. If I once again try enter to try to find them, I hear a voice - of God,
an angel, or someone else? `The boys are there no longer; if you go inside,
you won’t be there also no longer. Do not go! Suddenly it is if everything is
silent, it became as if everything was standing still. Noelle and I looked at
each other, we are about three or 2 minutes into the moment we noticed the
fire. We didn’t hear the boys no longer, anymore. We realized: it is over, we
lost the fight, and we lost them.
If you want sleep
On the day of this interview it has been a year and some months that this
inconceivable tragedy took place, on 15 July 2014. Feike (1980) changed gear
unconsciously over to the present time of this memory. Then, he is hearing,
smelling, and seeing it all over again.
With his oldest son able (6) he is spending a couple of weeks in his place of
birth Almelo the Netherlands, because his older brother is getting married.
We are sitting at the white kitchen table in his mother’s house. Feike rubs his
large hands in an emotional way in his face. It is very difficult to get it from
your memory. The voices and the sounds of the boys, and sound of the fire.
Fire roars and makes a noise. The fragrances of the black smoke clouds,
which were everywhere. The images. He shakes his head. We get medication
to oppress it. But it remains heavy. You no longer want to think of what has
happened, but it is not possible to forget. Often at moments of rest, if you
want sleep, or as Noelle and I am together talking about the children, all
those things return in a heavy matter. It takes a lot of effort to sleep.
The many nightmares we have, especially in the beginning. It is all still quite
fresh. Each day we see their faces.
As proud as a peacock
which he immigrated to the United States. Both were then 25 years old.
Noelle’s first pregnancy led to a miscarriage, but afterwards five children
were born: Able, Zephy, Noah and the twins Remmy and Beanie. I was way
proud, such as a peacock, Feike said. It was always my dream to have a large
family.
The young couple consciously established themselves in Lander, where
Noelle’s mother and brother also live. Superb surroundings: the Rocky
Mountains, lakes and forests, deserts and Native tribes. We wanted to live
this self-sustaining life as possible. Around our unwieldly home, a log home,
we had our own ducks, turkeys, chickens, dogs and a super-large vegetable
garden. I taught the oldest children to find their own food in the forest, such
as berries, vegetables, eggs, edible mushrooms.
Dark smoke clouds
On a hot but windy day, Tuesday 15 July 2014. Feike and Noelle were feeding
the then 9 month old twins (“mashed bananas”). The AC was buzzing. Able
was hanging out in the living room, while Noah and Zephy were else-were
playing in the house together. “Suddenly Able looks up and asked: ‘Daddy,
what is that?’ He pointed at the playground next to our house, dark clouds
were passing by. I thought first, that there was a heavy diesel truck that drove
by, but walking to the front door and looking through a glass opening, I saw
flames.
Rapidly Feike found the red fire extinguisher from the kitchen, kicked the
door open - and was immediately blown by smoke draft: fire, smoke and heat.
Burns on his head and hands developed quickly. `We must go! He shouted.
In an urge Feike grabbed twins from their baby chairs. Remmy screamed
because the heat of the fire had reached his head, arms and legs already.
Able ran by himself to the backdoor. Feike – with the twins under his arms
–Noelle followed, screamed for help. I thought that Noah and Zephy were
behind us. But outside Feike only saw Able and Noelle next to the twins
under his arms.
`Hair singed
After Feike turned around when running away from the house, he noticed
that the complete front of their house burned, like a torch. With tears in the
wells of the eyes, he continues: Noelle and I have tried several times to enter
the burning house, but it didn’t go very well. It wasn’t simple at all! We knew
the possible location of where the children were, and heard them still, but we
couldn’t find them: the house was fully in flames within two, three minutes
since we noticed it. Our hairs singed, our eyebrows, nose and ears had
burned, because we were that close to the fire. But we failed getting them
out of the house. He closes his eyes, and is silent for a long moment. Remmy
and Feike received first aid in the first ambulance. Whereas the firefighter
engines arrived on the property with howling sirens, as he is laying on the
ambulance stretcher in shock and with crying Remmy on lap, I heard an
enormous detonation as the metal roof of our house flew into the air, curled
by inconceivable heat. The ground trembled. With complete certainty I knew
that the children were gone- once and for all.Plastic surgeons
As Feike recovered in the hospital physically surprisingly well of his third
degree burns, baby Remmy was in a bad shape. Apart from his torso the fire
had violated his complete body. head skin, arms and legs. Third and fourth
degrees burns. Fourth degree burns mean that the fire has even reached on
to the bone.
Remmy is treated in a specialized Burn Unit of the hospital in Utah, where
Feike frequently continuous taking him to for more procedures. But how
advanced the doctors and plastic surgeons are nowadays, the scars will
continue to be visible - and the memories to go with that terrible summer
day continuous directing its own life.
Without God… I do not think that Noelle and I would still be together, or will
be able to have survived this incredible suffering, says Feike. We are
continued to live in this nightmare.
You don’t want to think of what has happened no longer, but it is not possible
to stop thinking about it.
It is not our fault
The psychiatrists who accompanies them, told Feike and Noelle that over
ninety percent of the couples who experience such a traumatic experience,
separate.
With us the opposite has happened, Feike says, with amazement in his voice.
We have grown closer to each other. Without faith you have been probably
more rapidly tended to give up on each other, and start to blame each other.
Why did God let this terrible thing happen? We try to leave those question in
His hands. How difficult that sometimes happens to be.
Feike and Noelle must forgive themselves and each other daily, continue to
do so. That sounds perhaps bizarre. But we must say each day: it is not our
fault, we couldn’t do anything to have prevented this. We also believe it isn’t
God who caused it. There is nobody to blame. This question comes to him
more than once: `Did I do everything to save my children? I could not havesaved the boys, and if I (myself) did die in that fire to have saved the boys, I
really would have done it. Frequently these questions pop up: `If I had done
it differently, were the boys still okay?… But those are ideas and thought
processes to which I do not have to admit or give up to. Noelle and I have
had professional help and search for ways to come through. All honor to God
that we still have each other. And that we are still together, for ourselves and
for the children.
`I’ll see you soon
Initially Noelle wanted to leave the spot of the misfortune, she wanted to
leave Lander, Wyoming and leave the Country, this way she could be as far as
possible away and try to leave it all behind , by emigrating to the Netherlands
to try and make a new start there – as a defeated family -.
Feike wanted to remain in Lander. After many prayers and after many
conversations, Noelle decided that this indeed was the best thing to do. By
leaving behind everything? What would we solve with that? Feike spread out
his hands and said: ‘Nothing’. Moreover: in Lander we have this caring and
compassionate community they also have been hurt by our tragedy, they
have helped us enormously after the fire. Straight through the pain we have
to continue: that was according to him the fastest way (it will still be a long
and painful journey) to heal the deep wounds.
Meanwhile they have been able to purchase a new house. They lived
somewhat outside the village, but now in the middle of this small community.
Because the location of the burned house is on a main road, Feike has to
drive by it pretty frequently. He then frequently stares at the black spot
where the house once was, which opens many doors to the past in his
memory. And then he prays to his Heavenly Father. Childlike perhaps, but I
always hope that Noah and Zephy listen. And then I also talk to them: `Boys, I
love you so much. I’m in so much pain, I regret and I’m sorry that I wasn’t
capable to save you, but… I will see you again….soon. Something like that.
A personal demon
Continuing to live in the area where the tragedy happened, is one thing. But
Feike went a step further. On a day he shared with his family that he wants to
submit an application for the local fire department. Noelle and Able didn’t
understand why, (Able cried the first time that I went to a training), but my
decision was certain. As a fireman I can gain something where I couldn’t win
or defeat the fire that caused such a damage in my life: he explains fire, it is
personal demon for me. The most important thing for me is that, if there is
another tragic fire incident that I can stand in between the fire and the hurt
people.”
It were the men from his department - all fathers - who stood at the
smoldering remainders of his house on Lyons valley road (how the fire
exactly started, has never been clear). They had to find and see the boys, who
were under the ashes, them having these images of my lifeless, burned boys.
That is… incredibly difficult.
Such as in the American army chaplains (say mental and spiritual caretakers),
Feike hopes to become a chaplain within his Fire Department and First
Respond Teams in his community. To be able to assist people not only
practical, but also mental, emotional and spiritually is was I’m geared to do.
Not that I have all the answers. But my negative and painful experiences can
be used to help, to give it a positive turn somewhere and somehow, how
difficult that also can be. So many people who suffer tragedy experiences
themselves, question in a bitter way: `Why does this happen to me? There
are many that blame God – I also blamed God in the beginning. But others
continue to believe in spite of their unanswered questions: `God, you are
with me, above me and behind me. Noelle and I have learned to walk with
Him again and believe that God was there. We want to continue to serve
Him. To me, it also applies that I want to honor the boys this way. I
sometimes imagine that Noah and Zephy look down from the sky at me, they
put their thumbs up and say: `Papa, we are proud of you, you’re doing a
great job, when I am called to protect others being a fire fighter.
To fight or to flight is the response, to run away from the confrontation, is an
understandable, human response. But fire is not the boss over me, it won’t
control the rest of my life. He looks up indicating: One is the Boss concerning
everything.
To fight or flight, that is always the daily choice.
A double rainbow
Our hope is that we will be reunited with the boys one day, knowing the
answer without doubt what happens after life is what keeps us going.
In certainty knowing that they are in good hands, at a place without pain,
gives us often some much needed peace.
A family member of a friend of Feike and Noelle made a drawing that reflects
the same hope. You see Jesus, with a smiling Noah and Zephy on his lap.
Above them a double rainbow. It is incredible how many double rainbows
we’ve seen since the fire happened, Feike explains. For example I was just
discharged from the Burn Unit in Salt Lake City; the family including my Dutch
heavily, out of nowhere. Able – then 5 years old - noticed a double a rainbow
in the sky. `Daddy, mummy, look! he said. `Zephy and Noah asked God if he
could make a sign to let you know that everything is well with them.
Feike grabbed for his phone and shows me a family picture, one where Noah
and Zephy are smiling into the camera. This was on the evening of the 4 th of
July, a large celebration and holiday in America. From our property you could
see the fire-works above Lander. We had built a small campfire, made
s’mores, and put a tent up. Able took this photograph. We didn’t know yet
that this would be their last photograph together. Eleven days later… Feike
swept his eyes dry, looking at Noah and Zephy in this picture, whispers
gently: ‘my handsome boys.’
Loveforthevandijks.blogspot.nl
Twitter: @FeikevanDijk
