July 15 our 1st "anniversary" date

  “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”2 Corinthians 4:16-18

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”Romans 8:18 

Verses like the ones mentioned above give me strength and the will to continue, to keep fighting the inner emotional battle I have to understand that one day I will not suffer anymore, one day I will be reunited with my kids and won't be sad, one day we will be together.

It's getting closer to the date when it all happened, July 15th is the day of the tragedy and I'm spending since June 30th my time again at the Ronald mc Donalds House in SLC.
It's been very hard emotionally and bitter sweet to spend the 4th of July and up till July 15th in SLC again just being reminded of the aftermath of the tragedy.
To be honest I have no clue how I would have dealt with spending the 4th in Lander this year, since I have very strong memories spending the time with the whole family and the joy we had that day.
It's been hard as I'm mentally counting off the days for the "burniversary" as burn survivors call it.
Luckily we planned a -2 week trip to Connecticut prior to our visit to SLC, to charge mentally and emotionally by visiting our long time friends and family in Nebraska, Chicago, Pennsylvania, Connecticut and even Massachusetts.



Both Noelle and I took the challenge to drive our Toyota Camry for 4300+ Miles with 21 month old twins, a 6 year old and a Pomeranian and build new amazing memories.
The kids had a blast outside of the long, looooooong car ride and were exposed to our family and friends that poured out love and prayer which gave us strength, they were exposed to the ocean, Dunkin Donuts, Baskin & Robbins, New Haven Pizza, Cannoli's, Sail boats and a lot more.
We felt refreshed, ready to fight the next chapter of our lives, up to SLC.
Arrived in Laramie after a 19hr drive Noelle and I separated ways, she and Beanie running the fort & Global Arts @ home in Lander, Wyoming and Remmy, Able & I heading to the Ronald mc Donald House and Hospital in SLC.

Back to SLC to work on Remmy's burns.
As most of you know Remmy suffered from 3rd and 4th degree burns on over 30 +% of his scalp and face. In burns of this degree as well as on grafted area's, the hair follicle will no longer be able to produce hair. Which will leave this precious boy with disfiguring scars. Remmy's medical team has approved him for Tissue Expansion Reconstruction of the Scalp.

A clear explanation about the specific procedure: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2884702/
These series of surgeries will leave Remmy with a full head of hair and most important, minimize immensely the scars he bears.
At this point it is unclear if he will need double or triple expansions. Each expansion includes multiple surgeries.
Through the tissue expanders (saline bags which are placed under the skin) the skin with hair still attached will be stretched to cover the effected area. The residue burn scar skin will then be removed.
the surgeries will take place in several stages, each stage consisting of 2 week intervals.
There are several dangers affiliated with this surgery. These dangers include a possibility that the bags can leak or explode, infections can occur at the surgery site or worst case, the bags can cause too much pressure on the brain.

But on the brighter side of things, I am happy to take my 2 boys (Able & Remmy) to SLC so we can do fun things while Remmy has his Doctors visits and surgery scheduled in these 2 weeks. We went to the Minion Movie Red Carpet Premiere (sponsored by Universal Studio's, Hershey & Mc Donald's) we were able to watch the movie before it's even out in the Theatre's, also we were again blessed with a trip to see the Utah Jazz playing a game against the Spurs and Celtics vs 76'ers, even today a meet and greet with a famous Football player Zane Beadles (former Broncos now Jaguars offensive lineman).
The Ronald mc Donald House continues spoiling their residents again with great activities, like my dad says 'Their burgers and food are disgusting and a joke but their cause with these houses makes me look at a different perspective at their donation boxes in their fast-food joints'. Personally for me it's therapeutic to spend as much time with Able & Remmy as possible to build new wonderful memories. Next to the amazing activities and meals made by the volunteers, the RMH gives parents a little break since they have all kinds of things to do for the kids in house. Also you are not alone as a parents since all the other parents go through similar things including hospitalized and loss of their children.
I talk often with Able about Zeph & Noah which helps me and hopefully him too to cope with our loss, it's noticeable that he misses his best friends he ever had. 
We talk about the fun times, the naughty times, the joy, the tears, the fights and memorable times.
I just want it to be that Zeph & Noah will never be forgotten and Rem & Beanie know that they had some amazing brother's, some times I wonder what they remember or if they were too young.
But then again often Beanie and Remmy point at pictures or point at someone who looks like one of their brothers and mentions their names.

It continues to be a battle to wake up and put that smile on your face looking forward for the day to come. But we are destined to continue to thrive and be there for our own kids, being amazing and loving parents.
I choose not to fill the gap, the sore spot, the empty hole with an addiction or negative source (like depression) but by the grace of God to fill it with His love for us and something I can reflect to my kids and the rest of the world.
I want to live my life fully, expanding horizons, love, endure, fight, finding meaningful reasons to use ALL of my life lessons into my life's purpose.
I want to reflect life, love, peace, joy, passion and more.
As Viktor Frankl says:

For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.

 

Remmy's last appointment in these two weeks is July 14th and I plan to be back in Lander the 15th so I can be there physically, not that I really want to, but feel that I need to.
I know it's going to be a very hard day, but I believe if we are all together we can make it through by the Grace of God.

Although we are able to run our own business and were able to travel to the  East Coast (by car and staying with friends and family since that saved us quite some money instead hotels and air fairs).
We still have to deal with the many continues medical expenses of the aftermath of the tragedy which includes specialist visits, medication to deal with our trauma and more.
There is a Gofundme account set aside for us to get back on our feet again and was set up the night of the tragedy.  http://www.gofundme.com/loveforthevandijks
Also specially for Remmy's recovery on his burns dear friends of our set up a different Gofundme account that outside of the medical expenses, it will cover the cost of travel (up and down to SLC), lodging and meals which adds up pretty quickly. http://www.gofundme.com/remmyroad

If you have it on your heart we'd appreciate you donating to these accounts or contact Central Bank & Trust in Lander (307) 332-4730 so there won't be taken out a 5% fee as in Gofundme

Noelle summed up in a very beautiful way how thankful we as a family are to have you all in our lives....Over the last 3 months I have been experiencing true love in the deepest parts of my heart.....from our Creator but echoed to me through all of you. I am now ever aware that we are all connected, each one of us. And that when God allows us to live though a catastrophe and simultaneously allows others to die.... It truly becomes a daily question, why am I still here? What more am I to do according to His will? For the longest time it hurt that I couldn't answ...er people's questions about 'how we are doing' because the depth of that question is impossible at times. ...in fact all the time. But today is good. And I have amazing choices to make this string of moments....I just want to say this also....I notice the beautiful and kind and selfless things YOU my beautiful friends and family are doing for our family and others. And if you ever doubt that others don't see .....Remember that God is always listening always watching and always smiling upon your good works, your beautiful heart, your loving prayers. You are beautiful all of you, and one day we will all see the beauty of the love we showed ourselves and others in this life. Cont the good fight friends as your love has preserved ME and countless others. We are often called strong but remember it was YOU who picked us up. YOU who fed us YOU who clothed us YOU who ushered Gods peace by prayer, a hug, a cup of coffee. I have more faith in humanity being made in the image of God than I ever have had in my life. I love you and I thank you for loving me and ours. And I encourage you to see the beautiful things you and others are doing every day for one day you will put on these blessings like robes and precious jewels as we go home to our maker ......the one we make smile♥

The show must go on!

While sitting in a sofa, sipping on a hot toddy (seems the best remedy, since everyone in the family has had a stomach bug this week, except for me) listening to the lullabies from the babies room, I finally have the time to write this blog.
Noelle is in SLC picking up a College room mate and spending some time in SLC before or after heading to Wyoming when the next snow storm has hit Lander's soil.
I've felt empty the last couple days, drained of quite a lot of energy.....maybe it's because there is a change of PTSD and sleeping medication and I haven't slept much, but I also haven't had much time not thinking about Zephy and Noah....It hurts so much just trying to imagine their faces, their smiles and laughter. We've been busy moving into our new house, which we have been able to purchase, thankfully due to the many blessings of the many readers of this blog.
I was also finally ready (had kept it quiet for a while) to share with the "Facebook" world that I've been terminated from my job which I've wanted for about 10 yrs, I lost that job since October 5th.
I am not ready to share how and why I got terminated but I can tell you it was ugly and painful.
Also the professionals that have been seeing us haven't seen a penny from our insurance (which is through my former employer) the professionals could easily decline our visits to them, if the insurance keeps on postponing payments to the psychiatrists, is this going to help any of our mention/psychological and emotional healing has been the rhetorical question on my mind.
I've been applying for jobs and have been declined, even one email mentioned without any reason that I was ineligible. All of this makes it harder, since I strongly belief that I was meant to be the provider for my family. I've slid and have fallen but never given up, we will get out of this mess, or has it been a blessing in disguise, we've had it rough emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically since the night of July 15th but have still a long road ahead of us.
Sometimes it feels like all struggle falls at once; or wait, is there still more to come, even my former co-workers from my last job that I once saw as friends and at one time were a big help through this tragedy and before the tragedy seem afraid that they are loosing their jobs if they continue being friends with me, so somehow they all quit contacting me since October 5th.....
I'm also quite clueless about the future, what direction should I go, what career steps should I take etc?
The first steps we have been taken over the last week or so, where quite a lot of important decisions ahead of us, including the beautiful but almost 100 year old house we purchased and Remmy's surgery dates in July and August, also in August I am already preparing the climb to the Mountain of the Holy Cross, which will be a spiritual journey I'll take at 14009 Feet that is 4270 m for the non Americans reading this.

First of, I should not have started the subject with "the show must go on" although sometimes it feels like that I live like Jim Carey in the Truman show......it's like everything I've gone through since July has been a TV set.....but maybe it's more like "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" also a Jim Carey Movie but one of his more serious roles. If you haven't seen that movie, it's worth it, it's a good thinker.
The title or subject line should actually say "and Life just goes on!"

2 Corinthians 4-16:18
Explains it's easy to loose heart and quit, many of us have faced problems in our relationships, work and other places in our lives that have caused us to think to give up.
Rather then quitting when persecution wore him down , Paul himself concentrated on the inner strength that came from the Holy spirit.


Don't let fatigue, pain or criticism force you of the job, instead renew your commitment to serving Christ. Don't forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of today's pain, your very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen you moment by moment.
Our troubles should not diminish our faith or disillusion us. We should realize there is a greater purpose in our sufferings (which to be honest I still struggle with and do not understand all the time), they keep us beyond this brief life on earth, they give us the opportunity to prove our faith to others.
They give God open doorways to His plan, to be of help to others dealing with the same sort of pain and /or issues.

The ultimate hope when we experience pain is the realization that this life is not all there is, there is life after Death! Knowing that, we will live forever with the Creator our God without any more pain and suffering, this knowledge can help us to live above the pain that we face in this earthly life.

There are in life some tragedies too big for a heart to hold, and they defy any description that makes any sense. Loosing my house, belongings and most painful my two sons Zephy and Noah don't make any sense to me. I'm extremely grateful that this heart is shared with so many people in our community, my family and even people that I've never met before and heard about our story.
I'm above all grateful for God, giving me the strength to go on........and to keep looking further into our future.

www.loveforthevandijks.info

                                                            The Real Nacho Libre!!