Anger, 1 of the 5 steps of grief.

As I am mentally preparing for the next run of surgeries (upcoming Friday, July 10^th) on Remmy’s burn scars, I’m becoming emotional. Emotional because I cannot control or help him with his anxiety, his pain and his behavior regards his weekly visits to the doctors to inflate his expanders on his scalp. Every week I have to drive to the pediatrician, comfort him, pin him against my body so they can inject 20cc of saline into the expanders. It hurts me to see him in pain and while I look at the scars that cover 35% of his head they puncture a needle into his head and being his father I feel I should comfort him but instead I am the one pinning him against my chest so “they” can hurt him even more. Tears well up in his eyes, he screams the top of his little lungs, I feel his heart pounding against my chest and with all his force he tries to untangle my grip by kicking and pushing, his face turning red feeling helpless and I am the one letting it happen.

Luckily Remmy is quickly to forgive when the nurse gives him a lollipop (Pop) and a sticker (ticker), after we walk out of the clinic Remmy walks up to a small statue in the clinics yard and taps it with respect stating ‘Dada, that’s Cheesus and brobbers’ with a gentle and calm voice. My eyes start welling up every time he does that, not totally understanding how he knows I needed that event to happen at the time to help me with my own anxiety, feelings of anger and guilt.

The emotion of anger still continues to try to control many days the moment I wake up. After our tragedy I personally deal with two major factors that try to control my daily life first anger and then depression kicks in….. I never used to be an angry individual, I was mostly seen as a happy and laid back person by people around me. Lately I’ve been focusing a lot on my anger, even Noelle asks me often ‘Feike, did you take your meds today?’ and Able addresses it a little more different by saying ‘Daddy I’m sorry you have a rough day’.

My anger is deeply rooted into our tragedy that occurred, In the very early stages of my personal grief after the house fire I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the people that tried to help us when we tried to rescue our kids, angry at the first responders, angry at life flight and so on. My anger towards God letting this happen sometimes still keeps me busy and frustrated. It makes me remember a discussion I had shortly after our tragedy with someone on Facebook who first seemed to show empathy and compassion but shortly after that stated that my anger towards God was like I am rejecting God. I was called by him a traitor in God’s eye, someone who was putting himself above God, someone who lived a double life. I was negatively surprised by his remarks, trying to explain to him that the anger is a response due to my grief, due to my loss. I asked him if he ever experienced a tragedy or something hard in his life he couldn’t have control over and he said yes but he never “blamed” God for these things that happened to him. This individual just kept on going, attacking me with sharp and insensitive remarks that I felt the need to unfriend him on FB. Still nowadays I ask myself that if God is the creator of all things, why did this happen, why do I suffer, why does Remmy suffer, why does my whole family suffer? I never had the thought God made this fire happen, my thought instead has been that He did let this happen (He was for sure capable to not let it happen), but I’m still unclear why? Have I ever blamed God? No I have not, but instead I am wondering why it had to happen……. People have a hard time not saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ mostly because they do not know what else to say. I actually don’t believe in that phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’, instead I believe that finding a meaningful purpose that co-relates with your tragedy is a very relieving and healing response.

For Noelle it seems making art, visiting with her specialist and hanging out with some of her friends is a good outlet to deal with her anger. Noelle was part of an art show in Lander’s art center and especially one of her paintings reflected our tragedy, not only the theme but the shapes and even her way of carving with nails and tools into the canvas. (see picture). Becoming a part of the fire department, volunteer for organizations helping families in need and children’s hospitals, offering counseling and emergency response debriefing (ERD), chaplaincy for hospice are such outlets for me to cope with my loss and grief. They are in my eyes honoring and meaningful purposes where I am able to use my negative experience of the tragedy by turning it into a positive deed. Everyone has a different purpose and I would love to challenge anyone reading my blogs to look at their personal struggles and tragedies to find a purpose turning these experiences in a positive healing road to recovery.

While being a chaplain for hospice has been a very challenging job for me, dealing with death has been for me a more and more sacred and divine chapter in someone’s life. I’m mainly coping with elderly and chronically ill individuals that are very open sharing their life story with me. Having worked in nursing homes I already experienced death up close, the opportunity I have working for hospice now has given me the opportunity to be intimate with people in a more emotional and spiritual supporting role. Working for hospice gave me another perspective on my anger looking at the client’s or patients view of their “last breaths” in this world, their accomplishments throughout their lives, but also looking at the views of their loved ones they are leaving behind. Hospice gave me new home work to munch on and pretty often the word anger came to the surface, causing me to also do a small survey on Facebook asking my friends how they cope with anger see link under the text. 59 FB friends (different ages, cultures and religions) completed the survey having just one question, the surveys questions entails: When ANGER grows in your heart and mind, what do you do to prevent it’s growth and how do you manage it?

22% take a walk

15% go on the internet

14% meditates

12% Reads and 12% writes

56% had their own response

see link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-5CCPYG5R/

Under here I attached some notes I’ve been writing up as homework for myself regards grief and loss, hopefully it makes some sense:

5 stages of grief

1: Denial

2: Anger (often

3: Bargaining

4: Depression

5: Acceptance

Examples of emotional expressions while grieving

1: numbness

2: yearning

3: despair

4: recovery

Examples of loss adaptation

Acceptance, working, adjusting, moving forward

Grief often feel like a rollercoaster ride with it’s ups and downs, highs and lows, your life feels out of control and is very unpredictable. Often grieving can cause even physical and mental changes in an individual’s regular pattern of life. It can cause insomnia, fatigue or even over sleeping. Change in appetite by eating less or over eating. Exacerbation of an illness can occur as well as in hypertension, allergies, migraines, diabetes, digestive disorders. Emotions are often out of control and you’re going through circles in a rollercoaster ride meeting emotions like sadness, guilt, anger, worry, anxiety, fear, paranoia, hopelessness and helplessness. Behavioral manifestations of anxiety, tension irritability, aggression, withdrawal, introversion, extraversion or self-destructive behavior take control.

Self-destructive behaviors like alcohol or drug abuse, promiscuity and reckless behavior.

Or even hyper active behavior like hypervigilance, cleaning or shopping.

July 15 our 1st "anniversary" date

  “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”2 Corinthians 4:16-18

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”Romans 8:18 

Verses like the ones mentioned above give me strength and the will to continue, to keep fighting the inner emotional battle I have to understand that one day I will not suffer anymore, one day I will be reunited with my kids and won't be sad, one day we will be together.

It's getting closer to the date when it all happened, July 15th is the day of the tragedy and I'm spending since June 30th my time again at the Ronald mc Donalds House in SLC.
It's been very hard emotionally and bitter sweet to spend the 4th of July and up till July 15th in SLC again just being reminded of the aftermath of the tragedy.
To be honest I have no clue how I would have dealt with spending the 4th in Lander this year, since I have very strong memories spending the time with the whole family and the joy we had that day.
It's been hard as I'm mentally counting off the days for the "burniversary" as burn survivors call it.
Luckily we planned a -2 week trip to Connecticut prior to our visit to SLC, to charge mentally and emotionally by visiting our long time friends and family in Nebraska, Chicago, Pennsylvania, Connecticut and even Massachusetts.



Both Noelle and I took the challenge to drive our Toyota Camry for 4300+ Miles with 21 month old twins, a 6 year old and a Pomeranian and build new amazing memories.
The kids had a blast outside of the long, looooooong car ride and were exposed to our family and friends that poured out love and prayer which gave us strength, they were exposed to the ocean, Dunkin Donuts, Baskin & Robbins, New Haven Pizza, Cannoli's, Sail boats and a lot more.
We felt refreshed, ready to fight the next chapter of our lives, up to SLC.
Arrived in Laramie after a 19hr drive Noelle and I separated ways, she and Beanie running the fort & Global Arts @ home in Lander, Wyoming and Remmy, Able & I heading to the Ronald mc Donald House and Hospital in SLC.

Back to SLC to work on Remmy's burns.
As most of you know Remmy suffered from 3rd and 4th degree burns on over 30 +% of his scalp and face. In burns of this degree as well as on grafted area's, the hair follicle will no longer be able to produce hair. Which will leave this precious boy with disfiguring scars. Remmy's medical team has approved him for Tissue Expansion Reconstruction of the Scalp.

A clear explanation about the specific procedure: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2884702/
These series of surgeries will leave Remmy with a full head of hair and most important, minimize immensely the scars he bears.
At this point it is unclear if he will need double or triple expansions. Each expansion includes multiple surgeries.
Through the tissue expanders (saline bags which are placed under the skin) the skin with hair still attached will be stretched to cover the effected area. The residue burn scar skin will then be removed.
the surgeries will take place in several stages, each stage consisting of 2 week intervals.
There are several dangers affiliated with this surgery. These dangers include a possibility that the bags can leak or explode, infections can occur at the surgery site or worst case, the bags can cause too much pressure on the brain.

But on the brighter side of things, I am happy to take my 2 boys (Able & Remmy) to SLC so we can do fun things while Remmy has his Doctors visits and surgery scheduled in these 2 weeks. We went to the Minion Movie Red Carpet Premiere (sponsored by Universal Studio's, Hershey & Mc Donald's) we were able to watch the movie before it's even out in the Theatre's, also we were again blessed with a trip to see the Utah Jazz playing a game against the Spurs and Celtics vs 76'ers, even today a meet and greet with a famous Football player Zane Beadles (former Broncos now Jaguars offensive lineman).
The Ronald mc Donald House continues spoiling their residents again with great activities, like my dad says 'Their burgers and food are disgusting and a joke but their cause with these houses makes me look at a different perspective at their donation boxes in their fast-food joints'. Personally for me it's therapeutic to spend as much time with Able & Remmy as possible to build new wonderful memories. Next to the amazing activities and meals made by the volunteers, the RMH gives parents a little break since they have all kinds of things to do for the kids in house. Also you are not alone as a parents since all the other parents go through similar things including hospitalized and loss of their children.
I talk often with Able about Zeph & Noah which helps me and hopefully him too to cope with our loss, it's noticeable that he misses his best friends he ever had. 
We talk about the fun times, the naughty times, the joy, the tears, the fights and memorable times.
I just want it to be that Zeph & Noah will never be forgotten and Rem & Beanie know that they had some amazing brother's, some times I wonder what they remember or if they were too young.
But then again often Beanie and Remmy point at pictures or point at someone who looks like one of their brothers and mentions their names.

It continues to be a battle to wake up and put that smile on your face looking forward for the day to come. But we are destined to continue to thrive and be there for our own kids, being amazing and loving parents.
I choose not to fill the gap, the sore spot, the empty hole with an addiction or negative source (like depression) but by the grace of God to fill it with His love for us and something I can reflect to my kids and the rest of the world.
I want to live my life fully, expanding horizons, love, endure, fight, finding meaningful reasons to use ALL of my life lessons into my life's purpose.
I want to reflect life, love, peace, joy, passion and more.
As Viktor Frankl says:

For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.

 

Remmy's last appointment in these two weeks is July 14th and I plan to be back in Lander the 15th so I can be there physically, not that I really want to, but feel that I need to.
I know it's going to be a very hard day, but I believe if we are all together we can make it through by the Grace of God.

Although we are able to run our own business and were able to travel to the  East Coast (by car and staying with friends and family since that saved us quite some money instead hotels and air fairs).
We still have to deal with the many continues medical expenses of the aftermath of the tragedy which includes specialist visits, medication to deal with our trauma and more.
There is a Gofundme account set aside for us to get back on our feet again and was set up the night of the tragedy.  http://www.gofundme.com/loveforthevandijks
Also specially for Remmy's recovery on his burns dear friends of our set up a different Gofundme account that outside of the medical expenses, it will cover the cost of travel (up and down to SLC), lodging and meals which adds up pretty quickly. http://www.gofundme.com/remmyroad

If you have it on your heart we'd appreciate you donating to these accounts or contact Central Bank & Trust in Lander (307) 332-4730 so there won't be taken out a 5% fee as in Gofundme

Noelle summed up in a very beautiful way how thankful we as a family are to have you all in our lives....Over the last 3 months I have been experiencing true love in the deepest parts of my heart.....from our Creator but echoed to me through all of you. I am now ever aware that we are all connected, each one of us. And that when God allows us to live though a catastrophe and simultaneously allows others to die.... It truly becomes a daily question, why am I still here? What more am I to do according to His will? For the longest time it hurt that I couldn't answ...er people's questions about 'how we are doing' because the depth of that question is impossible at times. ...in fact all the time. But today is good. And I have amazing choices to make this string of moments....I just want to say this also....I notice the beautiful and kind and selfless things YOU my beautiful friends and family are doing for our family and others. And if you ever doubt that others don't see .....Remember that God is always listening always watching and always smiling upon your good works, your beautiful heart, your loving prayers. You are beautiful all of you, and one day we will all see the beauty of the love we showed ourselves and others in this life. Cont the good fight friends as your love has preserved ME and countless others. We are often called strong but remember it was YOU who picked us up. YOU who fed us YOU who clothed us YOU who ushered Gods peace by prayer, a hug, a cup of coffee. I have more faith in humanity being made in the image of God than I ever have had in my life. I love you and I thank you for loving me and ours. And I encourage you to see the beautiful things you and others are doing every day for one day you will put on these blessings like robes and precious jewels as we go home to our maker ......the one we make smile♥

Big Boys should Cry!

As a young child I was taught just like many other children not to cry, "to be a big boy" about that scrape, cut, people teasing you etc.
Tears, crying nowadays especially in men's perspective is seen as a sign of weakness.
Do you remember your dad, brothers, parents or even the media ever say: real men don't cry!?
We men are taught in our society that we are not meant to cry, we are meant to be strong, independent and emotionless almost like robots, it's an illusion and it's a lie.

I just had a very tough week behind me, I'm burdened with pain......have had a hard time forgiving myself, feeling that I've not been the father to my children prior to the fire, the husband I once was to Noelle, jobless and made it publicly known that I haven't been employed since November 5th.
I've been extremely tearful lately missing my sons, looking at our circumstances, but still knowing that there is favor.

As an artist/musician/social worker/activities director etc. I always have been an emotional person, able to catch or create an atmosphere were emotion was necessary but I never was the one that cried a lot. I was always attracted to the rough Wyoming life style because I always thought it would toughen me up a little more. But still until this day, people may know that I cry when I tap the head of a fish or field dress the liveless animal that I shot minutes before.
I for instance did cry out my eye balls when I saw the 1st Ice age cartoon in 2002-2003 when at the end Manny the Mammoth after a long walk full of dangerous adventures gives the human baby back to his father, I was very touched by how they captured the love of this father to his son in a cartoon ending with a song of Rusted Root "send me on my way"......my friends looked at me like it was unreal, they saw this big guy crying over such a "silly" thing.

Noelle loves to go to the thrift shop and Lander has some great ones, about a month before the fire, she found a Bible, I was super stoked since I was not a big fan carrying around that huge black, hardcover, heavy book around to work and other places, no this was a good size (great letter type size) thin and leather cover bible but not until after 2 weeks before the accident I noticed the whole book of Job was missing (maybe that's why it was so light weight and thin)......But was this a sign?

In Job 16:19
We read in the book of Job that he cried and cried about all the misery that happened in his life
Job was afraid that God had abandoned him, yet he appealed directly to God (his Witness and Advocate) and to God's knowledge of his innocence. A witness is someone who has seen what has happened, and an advocate is like a lawyer who speaks on behalf of the plaintiff.
By using these terms, Job showed he had cast all his hope for any fair defense upon God in Heaven because he probably die before it happened on earth. (this is how I feel very connected with Job and his story). In the New Testament we learn that Jesus Christ Himself intercedes on our behalf :(Hebrews 7:25  and John 2:1).
Therefore we have nothing to fear........

Crying is a helpful part of our recovery process, tears are healing gifts from our God washing away our pain, clearing our souls.

Tears were unable to develop when both Noelle and I were standing & screaming while our log home on Lyons Valley was on fire the evening of July 15th 2014, both of us didn't feel our own 3rd and 2nd degree burns, but we cried out as loud as we could the names of our boys.....Zephy!......Noah!....
It was so hot that tears could not develop, we kept on screaming and calling their names.
I looked aside of me and saw one of the dog blankets asking if anyone standing aside (2 men) had water or a fire extinguisher to drench the blanket so I could run inside and save my 2 precious boys.
Noelle attempted several times to go inside, only seeing black smoke and at one attempt able to save one of our Pomeranians, then she ran back and it seemed like there was a wall of fire (which wasn't visible but surely felt) keeping her away from the open side door.
Before I didn't get any answer (about the blanket) I was ready to enter the house.......then I heard an order:, Don't go inside, you won't make it! They are already gone!'
Noelle and I looked each other in the eyes and knew it was time accept that we did everything in our own power to save Zephy and Noah.
We were directed to the Sheriff's Deputy that was able to produce tears and who we have known since we moved to Wyoming, he seemed to produce our tears when I told him that Zephy and Noah were still in the house. The house was completely in flames within 2-4 minutes.
The ambulance arrived, fire trucks arrived , sirens were going, there was chaos and panic at least in my mind, still thinking I was having a bad dream and this was not real, it was just a nightmare.
Noelle and I got separated due to our differences in burns, I had Remmy wrapped in blankets and sat on the stretcher in the ambulance looking through this tiny window seeing and hearing the tin roof separating from the log home itself....I will never forget that loud sound.
The ambulance was taking us to the hospital and still in my mind thinking it was a bad dream.
In the E.R. I got asked a million of questions, the nurses, chaplain, sheriff deputies etc.
Again I got separated but this time they took Remmy away from me......it was a very hard sight to give my son who was in a tremendous pain and screaming to the nurses.
The blinds of the E.R. room were still open when they put me in the outer room/area, I'm seeing dear friends in shock in prayer in the waiting room and stretched my hand out to the window letting them know I'm aware and appreciate their presence.
Immediately the nurses closed the blinds and again more questions got asked, I probably didn't rationally answer them all envisioning my house on fire, my sons in the house, and smelling the smell of the burned clothing that I was wearing, still thinking it was a bad nightmare.
I see my Pastor walking up to me, felt relieve and can't remember much of what I shared with him, but saw tears in my Pastors eyes.
Suddenly I was given paperwork I had to sign and after signing, got undressed, was put on a stretcher and saw my friend the Sheriff's Deputy, he asked me what he could do, I remembered that he had a co-worker whose wife is Dutch, if he could ask her if she could call my mother and let her know what was going on, since my mother doesn't speak any English.
I was told Remmy and I were going to be life flighted due to our severity of burns but also the fear that I singed airways or lungs.
I wanted to see Noelle, Beanie and Able before I go, I asked them friendly, I saw Able drawing, Beanie clinging a lady we didn't know (but now we see as a dear friend), Noelle was taken care of by nurses and still in shock.
Then, I was put on a stretcher, bright light aimed at my face, next thing I woke up in SLC in the Burn Unit and felt a catheter was put in.
I turned slowly and saw one of our elders (who became a good friend) on the couch next to my bed.
The first thing I wanted to do when I was capable to speak, think and had enough strength to move see Remmy, It finally came to me that I wasn't dreaming but my worst nightmare had become reality.
When the nurses were able to move me into a wheelchair I went to Remmy's Room in the same Unit, there he was, my 10 month old son laying in a small hospital bed (crib), wrapped in oozing bandages, swollen, intubated (where a machine does the breathing for you) almost life-less, beeping monitors, I.V.'s, but luckily there was also someone singing to him and holding his hand (the elder's wife).
Everything came to the realization  that I needed to cry, I cried so hard, I think I even had to throw up, since so much emotion became one finally one expression of pain.
Everyone in our room cried, my friends (the elders) but also the nursing staff cried along with us.

Doesn't it say in the Psalms somewhere that God preserves every tear, none of our sufferings is in vain????

Is it rational for me to be angry?!

I've often been in a phase that's called anger (Loosing two kids and most of your belongings, can definitely cause that emotion, correct?), but who am I angry at?
I'm called snappy, upset, loud, angry, mad, threatening, but my friends know that I am not an angry person and definitely not a violent person.
Anger in the Bible is seen as a huge sin (but how can I not be angry?)
Matthew 5:22 explains that anger violates God's commandment to Love, Anger in many cases refers to seething, brooding bitterness against someone, it is a dangerous but quite natural emotion that threatens to leap out and leads into violence, emotional hurt, increased mental stress, and spiritual damage.
Anger keeps us from developing a spirit pleasing to God.
Have you ever been proud that you didn't strike out and say what was really on your mind?
Self control is good, but Christ wants us to practice thought-control as well.
Jesus said that we will be held accountable even for our attitudes.
Even after our family's tragedy, how can we follow that commandment, it isn't easy and it's a daily, hourly, minute choice I have to make.......
Victor Frankl a Jewish Psychiatrist and Survivor of WW2's concentration camps included Auschwitz (yesterday it was 70 years ago that it was liberated) Once said; It is a question of the attitude one takes towards life's challenges and opportunities, both large and small, a positive attitude enables a person to endure suffering and disappointment as well as enhance enjoyment and satisfaction.
A negative attitude intensifies pain and deepens disappointments; it undermines and diminishes pleasure, happiness and satisfaction, it may even lead to depression or physical illness. Frankl was one of the "blessed" ones that survived the camps and stayed in Austria his main population he helped as a psychiatrist after WW2 were actually Nazi Soldiers and Officers, he didn't treat them as any other patient he actually cared for..
A friend I met after the tragedy once said to me, "don't you think certain individuals in the Bible itself weren't angry towards God? Job, or even Jesus, weren't they angry, due to pain and injustice, how was their attitude towards all the things they had to go through.

Don't you think that from all the different language translations including Aramaic, Greek, Roman, Latin etc. some words in anger towards God spoken/written by people like Moses, Elijah, Job were excessive but even profound and lost in translation?

Of course I have my moments of anger, my two sons were stolen several feet away from me, and yes I've used terms and slang due to anger which I will not repeat and they've gone further then "All Mighty Smiter, Smite me!"
Still on a daily basis I have to deal with anger, mostly in my own mind and heart, I try my best not to reflect it to others.
But my faith in God has not become in danger, many men I've spoken with don't believe in a God that would not cause hurt and pain in innocent children and babies, I believe the God I serve and believe in, takes care of the children and babies in a remarkable way.
A dear friend of mine, who I had the privilege traveling through Europe forming the rhythm section of a Christian Rock band recorded how he envisioned the way he thinks it happened.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7A4tiQfF-0
My believe is also that it wasn't God who did this.....It was actually the opposite, it was that nasty evil one called Satan, he likes to hurt people and stir things up.
Many worse things still happen on this earth, think about the hunger epidemic in certain countries in Africa, think about ISIS, think about North Korea, the floods, the airplain crashes etc.
I believe Satan is testing me personally, and how I am responding and if my faith in God will dwindle.
I can say that I cussed, I cried, begged and still don't understand....but am also understanding that somewhere in the Psalms is written that God preserves all our tears, perhaps none of our suffering is in vain. I believe God is a loving God, this episode in our lives has a deeper meaning, what it is I maybe will never know until I meet Zephy and Noah in Heaven myself.
It was a blessing to see them develop and God picked us as their parents although it was a very short time. Continuously things happen on a daily basis that make me angry, people just after the accident have been posting dumb things about what happens when you leave a grill unattended, and that we were irresponsible parents, EXCUSE me ignorant individual, please say that straight in my face if you have some guts....the grill wasn't even on.

I know this is a fact since I'm the only one that cooks on that grill, so next time if you want to sound a "little" smarter, more sensitive, compassionate and less ignorant on the worldwide web, think before you post!

Or go visit me and my and my 10 month old son struggling for his life with 3rd and 4th degree wounds in the Burn Unit in SLC and say these things in my face. The same week I returned to Lander, exploring the playground with Able an 8-9 year old girl walks up to me and says;" I'm so sorry what happened with your children and your house, but you should know, that you should never leave your grill unattended"!
I did my best not to cry, but did tell the little girl patiently and quietly that she could tell her parents that the grill wasn't even turned on and if they had any questions they were welcome to talk to me in person. 

Of course, no parent showed up......inside I was hurt, I carried a lot of pain and was actually quite angry that a parent gossiped such lies to their young children.
Although I'm a big guy, I'm as sweet and squishy as a Giant Gummy Bear.
My fuse has been a little shorter since the accident, some people understand why, and other's just don't care, some even ignited the fuse several times.
Our families hurt has been so deep and it's been extremely painful, we feel even though so many people reached out, we have felt occasionally isolated, we've longed hearing Zephy and Noah's voices, see their faces or even cuddle and wrestle with them.
We also know that without our faith and redemption that we would not be anywhere where we are at, right now.
I'm grateful for the ones that do understand and have been sensitive, I'm grateful for the individuals that have been helping us out physically, mentally and spiritually, that have stretched their arms out to bless us in abundance.

Researchers at Yale University School of Medicine have been impressed by the number of prisoners of the Vietnam war, who explicitly claimed that although their captivity was extraordinarily stressful, filled with torture, disease, malnutrition and solitary confinement, they nevertheless........"benefited from the captivity experience, seeing as a growth experience mentally, emotionally and often spiritually." Their faith grew after such painful experiences in their life's.
I can for certain say that my personal diagnosis of PTSD has made me a different man, certain days I'm snappier then other days, some days are tougher then other days.
One comment or event can change my perspective and can trigger my emotions easily.
Sometimes I have to sit and cry, sometimes I have to "take some time to cool off".
Although I will never become someone like the Hulk, that after an angry outburst rips his clothes off, grows in size and muscles and changes of color of skin. (although sometimes I had that super power)

I have a differen't way of expressing anger, and luckily it's more introvert and hidden in my soul.
So the main question is, is it okay to be angry......I would say yes it is, but your attitude dealing with the anger is the most important aspect of your anger.
Have I been angry with God, yes I have.....but does a Father love His son less when His son is angry at Him?
I do have to make a Paradigm Shift here on a daily basis and it's a tough one.

From being angry, I have to be thankful, thankful what individuals have done for my family, thankful for what's going to happen next, not knowing what.

Thankful for the occasional rest, peace and comfort I feel.
Thankful for what I still have left, on this earth.
Not Angry, but Thankful!
When we accept the mercy and love of God into our lives, the pain of separation will lean into healing, slowly, BUT SURELY.