Anger, 1 of the 5 steps of grief.

As I am mentally preparing for the next run of surgeries (upcoming Friday, July 10^th) on Remmy’s burn scars, I’m becoming emotional. Emotional because I cannot control or help him with his anxiety, his pain and his behavior regards his weekly visits to the doctors to inflate his expanders on his scalp. Every week I have to drive to the pediatrician, comfort him, pin him against my body so they can inject 20cc of saline into the expanders. It hurts me to see him in pain and while I look at the scars that cover 35% of his head they puncture a needle into his head and being his father I feel I should comfort him but instead I am the one pinning him against my chest so “they” can hurt him even more. Tears well up in his eyes, he screams the top of his little lungs, I feel his heart pounding against my chest and with all his force he tries to untangle my grip by kicking and pushing, his face turning red feeling helpless and I am the one letting it happen.

Luckily Remmy is quickly to forgive when the nurse gives him a lollipop (Pop) and a sticker (ticker), after we walk out of the clinic Remmy walks up to a small statue in the clinics yard and taps it with respect stating ‘Dada, that’s Cheesus and brobbers’ with a gentle and calm voice. My eyes start welling up every time he does that, not totally understanding how he knows I needed that event to happen at the time to help me with my own anxiety, feelings of anger and guilt.

The emotion of anger still continues to try to control many days the moment I wake up. After our tragedy I personally deal with two major factors that try to control my daily life first anger and then depression kicks in….. I never used to be an angry individual, I was mostly seen as a happy and laid back person by people around me. Lately I’ve been focusing a lot on my anger, even Noelle asks me often ‘Feike, did you take your meds today?’ and Able addresses it a little more different by saying ‘Daddy I’m sorry you have a rough day’.

My anger is deeply rooted into our tragedy that occurred, In the very early stages of my personal grief after the house fire I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the people that tried to help us when we tried to rescue our kids, angry at the first responders, angry at life flight and so on. My anger towards God letting this happen sometimes still keeps me busy and frustrated. It makes me remember a discussion I had shortly after our tragedy with someone on Facebook who first seemed to show empathy and compassion but shortly after that stated that my anger towards God was like I am rejecting God. I was called by him a traitor in God’s eye, someone who was putting himself above God, someone who lived a double life. I was negatively surprised by his remarks, trying to explain to him that the anger is a response due to my grief, due to my loss. I asked him if he ever experienced a tragedy or something hard in his life he couldn’t have control over and he said yes but he never “blamed” God for these things that happened to him. This individual just kept on going, attacking me with sharp and insensitive remarks that I felt the need to unfriend him on FB. Still nowadays I ask myself that if God is the creator of all things, why did this happen, why do I suffer, why does Remmy suffer, why does my whole family suffer? I never had the thought God made this fire happen, my thought instead has been that He did let this happen (He was for sure capable to not let it happen), but I’m still unclear why? Have I ever blamed God? No I have not, but instead I am wondering why it had to happen……. People have a hard time not saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ mostly because they do not know what else to say. I actually don’t believe in that phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’, instead I believe that finding a meaningful purpose that co-relates with your tragedy is a very relieving and healing response.

For Noelle it seems making art, visiting with her specialist and hanging out with some of her friends is a good outlet to deal with her anger. Noelle was part of an art show in Lander’s art center and especially one of her paintings reflected our tragedy, not only the theme but the shapes and even her way of carving with nails and tools into the canvas. (see picture). Becoming a part of the fire department, volunteer for organizations helping families in need and children’s hospitals, offering counseling and emergency response debriefing (ERD), chaplaincy for hospice are such outlets for me to cope with my loss and grief. They are in my eyes honoring and meaningful purposes where I am able to use my negative experience of the tragedy by turning it into a positive deed. Everyone has a different purpose and I would love to challenge anyone reading my blogs to look at their personal struggles and tragedies to find a purpose turning these experiences in a positive healing road to recovery.

While being a chaplain for hospice has been a very challenging job for me, dealing with death has been for me a more and more sacred and divine chapter in someone’s life. I’m mainly coping with elderly and chronically ill individuals that are very open sharing their life story with me. Having worked in nursing homes I already experienced death up close, the opportunity I have working for hospice now has given me the opportunity to be intimate with people in a more emotional and spiritual supporting role. Working for hospice gave me another perspective on my anger looking at the client’s or patients view of their “last breaths” in this world, their accomplishments throughout their lives, but also looking at the views of their loved ones they are leaving behind. Hospice gave me new home work to munch on and pretty often the word anger came to the surface, causing me to also do a small survey on Facebook asking my friends how they cope with anger see link under the text. 59 FB friends (different ages, cultures and religions) completed the survey having just one question, the surveys questions entails: When ANGER grows in your heart and mind, what do you do to prevent it’s growth and how do you manage it?

22% take a walk

15% go on the internet

14% meditates

12% Reads and 12% writes

56% had their own response

see link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-5CCPYG5R/

Under here I attached some notes I’ve been writing up as homework for myself regards grief and loss, hopefully it makes some sense:

5 stages of grief

1: Denial

2: Anger (often

3: Bargaining

4: Depression

5: Acceptance

Examples of emotional expressions while grieving

1: numbness

2: yearning

3: despair

4: recovery

Examples of loss adaptation

Acceptance, working, adjusting, moving forward

Grief often feel like a rollercoaster ride with it’s ups and downs, highs and lows, your life feels out of control and is very unpredictable. Often grieving can cause even physical and mental changes in an individual’s regular pattern of life. It can cause insomnia, fatigue or even over sleeping. Change in appetite by eating less or over eating. Exacerbation of an illness can occur as well as in hypertension, allergies, migraines, diabetes, digestive disorders. Emotions are often out of control and you’re going through circles in a rollercoaster ride meeting emotions like sadness, guilt, anger, worry, anxiety, fear, paranoia, hopelessness and helplessness. Behavioral manifestations of anxiety, tension irritability, aggression, withdrawal, introversion, extraversion or self-destructive behavior take control.

Self-destructive behaviors like alcohol or drug abuse, promiscuity and reckless behavior.

Or even hyper active behavior like hypervigilance, cleaning or shopping.

Healing continues to be a long and tough process.

It's been over half a year that I posted a new article on this blog and so many amazing, wonderful, scary and emotional things happened, I've been quite overwhelmed with a large variety of different things that kept me busy over that half year but found out it's about time to write something again.
Being that the tragedy happened over a year and a half ago, I've heard some people say that they expect that most of my grieving and mourning process should be over. Well, I have to tell those individuals that it's not even close to being over. It seems to be a reality instead of a "dream" more & more and the wish that it all was a nightmare is present continuously.
Able, Beanie and Remmy are growing up way to fast and I see so many glimpses of Zephy and Noah in them. It's quite hard to see the twins interact with others, their facial expressions, sitting pose because of similarities.....Remmy makes cute noises when he wants to cuddle or needs attention which Noah used to do, Beanie is very sensitive and talks with a slight lisp like Zephy used to do.
Being reminded of the two boys that were taken away too early due to an event that is still imprinted in my mind and heart isn't always an easy thing, although sometimes being reminded by their specific habits and trades occasionally give me a feeling that the two boys are still with me in some sort of a way. It is hard to describe but sometimes it seems God is telling me something, why do these little but obvious things remind me of them so much.
An obvious sign of where I'm at with my healing process is when I see a young child (often blond and build like any of my two boys) playing with their father, doing something that I frequently use to do with the boys, first I become happy, then sad and then angry, many times asking God why, while tears roll over my face. I sometimes feel the courage to ask the father how old the child is and it gives me the opportunity to interact with the child and the father. Memories fly by, which make me smile in first instance and then miss them even more.
Another sign of where I'm at with my healing process indicates with one of my hobbies I used to have, I used to love going to movies, watch action movies and thrillers.
Now it makes me sick to my stomach how Hollywood can use death, tragedy, fire, loss of a child or loved one or even emotional or physical pain into something that gets great reviews. All these terrible things are seen by pain to many individuals while others are entertained by these visual images which can be realistic nightmares for others. Nowadays I don't have cable anymore and watch kids Netflix movie and shows with the kids since that won't trigger any bad emotions or bring pain to the surface, anyone ever heard of my kids favorite show Octonauts?

Seeing Remmy grow into a toddler is wonderful, but with that growth his burn scars are also developing. It appears he's having more pain then before also since his pain medication is scheduled at specific times, we can see it wearing off, he'll hit the burned side of his head hard while screaming.
Quite regularly he points at his legs and says mommy/daddy auwe, knowing that we will massage the scars on his legs often with lotion specially made for Remmy.
Due to Rem's quick development in growth the doctors scheduled surgeries on his burned head upcoming Monday February 29th 7:15AM,
The last time this same surgery was done on Remmy about half a year ago, we again experienced the fear of loosing him. He ended up with 2 infections under the burns and we had to leave his little body in Gods hands, it was so scary that Noelle said "goodbye" when Remmy and I left to SLC in urgency, a goodbye we've never been really able to say to Zephy and Noah,
Remmy showed signs and symptoms of an infection by becoming lethargic at moments, not wanting to eat or drink and high sky high fevers between 104 and 106 degrees. Noelle and I did everything to reduce the fevers and tried every way possible in the book to at least drink fluids. Both of us aren't individuals that go to doctors unless it's really necessary, the same with our kids, we've worked in healthcare for quite some years and would first do everything we can do ourselves to help our children until we have no idea, understanding or control over the issue.
So, we took him to the ER and somehow the specialists thought the pressure behind Remmy's ears was the right indication of him having a simple ear infection, we tried our very best to explain that we thought it was related to the expanders placed under his burn scar but instead we were send home with antibiotics for his ear-infection and a simple fever reducer.
No other medical issues or concerns were covered and not even blood work (CBC) got ordered or done.
Throughout the whole night Remmy was having spiked fevers that went up to 106 degrees, inflammation started to become visible and eventually his eyelids were shut due to the fluid build up.
Early in the morning, I got a hold of Remmy's pediatrician and asked if he could see Remmy immediately, thand begged Him to spare us from more pain and suffering and spare Remmy's fragile body.at it's urgent and also explained to him what the hospital did since he already visited the ER. Finally there was an individual that listened and looked at all possibilities, he was baffled that the diagnosis was an ear infection since ever screaming and upset child will show an extensive amount of pressure behind the ears, he looked and saw nothing unusual, another thing the pediatrician was surprised about was that the ER Docs didn't rule anything else out by ordering a simple CBC (bloodwork) to make sure that they didn't miss anything and since Remmy's history is different they should have at least done a CBC.
Within an hour after the CBC came back with a sky-high amount of white blood counts, I received a phone call Remmy needed immediate care and surgery in SLC.
Driving my car for the next 5 hours with a dead-sick child I prayed to God to spare Rem from more pain and suffering and begged Him to heal his fragile body, but also to bring peace in my mind and heart. I cried for all the 5 hours on my way to the Hospital in SLC and asked God also when the aftermath of our house fire tragedy would finally stop. I questioned; will you take another child away from us? Why do we deserve this? A sudden peace came over me when we arrived at the hospital, remarkable it was. 3 days after surgery the cultures came back showing 2 infections MRSA and STAPH, I almost lost my child if it would have gotten septic, it was showing signs it was spreading quick with the inflammation in his body.
I'm thankful I still have Remmy in my life, but the fear to loose him is also present, since Monday he'll undergo the same procedure. That the surgery will be helping Remmy in the long run is the reason why this needs to happen. I would like to ask your help to pray for Remmy, the specialists and our family, that we will find peace again, and instead of fear that we will have faith that everything will go well.

Gofundme:
Outside of the medical expenses, the cost of travel, lodging and meals will add up.
They are blessed to stay at the Ronald McDonald House which is a welcoming home for parents and family that have children either in critical conditions or are at the hospital for an extended time. The Ronald McDonald House only charges $20 a day for lodging and approximately one meal a day.
https://www.gofundme.com/RemmyRoad
The  Gofundme campaign above was established  to help aid the financial burden on Remmy and his beautiful family. A separate Gofundme Campaign is also running  for the entire Van Dijk family to assist in getting back on their feet.

http://www.gofundme.com/loveforthevandijks

Counting the blessings.....

For quite a while I've been angry, angry that I lost my sons, angry that this had to happen to my children, angry that this tragedy had to happen to my family, angry at myself that I could have been the cause of the tragedy, angry that I couldn't save all my children, angry that some people didn't care, some people were ruthless to say that they didn't care, it was pain that had to develop and is still developing.
Pain that is covering the surface of my emotional well being, people even said that I looked different then before the tragedy, acted different, but what would you expect?
Would you expect the jolly old me, just acting that this tragedy didn't hurt my inner core, my heart, my emotion, my spirit.

In the midst was a dear friend, who has been a mother to me for many years, she traveled all the way from the East Coast and stayed, helped out when help was definitely needed since both me and Noelle were acting like zombies from "the Walking Dead" TV show, she would say.... Feike, do you see there is so much favor?
I could see but I could not feel, they could say, but I could not hear....the tragedy had such an impact that I was blinded to see, the lack of sleep, the overwhelming amount of emotion, the pain, the anger, the lonesomeness, the depression, the medications, it all took the man out of me.
Slowly I am able to forgive myself, forgive the people that don't care, slowly I'm working on the ability to see, to hear and to feel again.
I know that there have been tons and tons of favor or as many other people say blessings, but actually, seeing, hearing, feeling and understanding was another step in my time of grief.

We are so extremely thankful for our community, friends, family, former students of mine, class mates, church family here in Lander Wy, on the East Coast, in the Netherlands and people we don't even know but heard our story and wanted to get involved,  and have helped us out to start all over again.
The monetary help, the prayers, the logistic help, the practical help, the medical help, the first responders on the scene, the Burn Unit in SLC, the Shoshone tribe, my co-workers and our ex co-workers and I can go on.
It's been incredible how people intensively have been there to help our family out with all these things and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
We had to start all over again and you all have been such an incredible help.
We were able to purchase a house which we can call our home and we will start new memories with the family here.
But we also were able to start our own business, May 1st we will be the brand spanking new owners of Global Arts in Lander http://www.globalartslander.com/, https://www.facebook.com/globalartslander
It is such an interesting story to tell; Noelle has always wanted to do more with her art degrees and I love promoting, marketing and sales, both our parents have owned art/antique stores, so we kind of grew up with knowledge and understanding.
I lost my job last year and this is giving us a fresh outlook on things since we have lived off  my unemployment and Noelle and I can rotate schedules running the business and still spend a lot of time with our kids.
We are thankful that there is a possibility for us to look into our future with a smile on our face now.

People from all different corners are continuous helping us 8 months after the tragedy, with gift cards, dropping food off at our doorsteps, neighbors dropping cookies, books and clothes off etc.
Even last week, Remmy and I had to go through our regular amount of visits with medical specialists in SLC and upon arrival at the wonderful Ronald Mc Donald House there were Utah Jazz tickets with Parking, Dinner, half time food/drinks and meet & greet with Memo Okur all donated by the humble friendly giant Jazz basket player Derrick Favors (he's a RMcD Ambassador).
It was a great way to end our visit (which drains a lot of energy out of both of us) to SLC, Remmy was 1st scared of the loud noises but within minutes he was yelling and doing the wave himself.
Blessed beyond words since the RMcD House and Favs set this one up....they made all these energy sucking visits to the specialists this last week worthwhile.

Remmy is doing great, his face scarring will be reduced by a special mask designed for him, his arm and leg scars also will fade by wearing special compression garments.

Remmy is still taking medications for nerve pains and itchy-ness but has been off narcotics for a little while and he's been doing very well considering the burn injuries he's had.
He's is such a strong boy but at the same time full of life and joy, he loves to sing and be funny.
Remmy is going back into surgery in July and then in August, he has to get re-intubated and probably will receive narcotics.
We are not really looking forward to that process but think it will be better for him to get this all done now that later in his life.

Beanie is a great character, she's such a little princess, she's got little diva moments, but also loves to cuddle and wrestle. She is with most things a step ahead of Remmy, but what would you expect she is the 3 minute older twin sister and it's definitely visible.

Able is doing great at kindergarten, he gets along with his classmates, he's got a lot of  A's a couple B's......Loves Star Wars and Math is his favorite thing and he's really good at it, he's somewhat a geek which surprises Noelle and me not knowing where that comes from.
Able wants to become an Astronaut....

Noelle and I are looking forward to make new steps, since we have been grieving about our loss we've been growing closer to each other in many ways but also had tough moments.
We will be attending couples therapy in a different state soon since we have had to cancel it due to unexpected illnesses and circumstances (Noelle had Pneumonia while I was in SLC, but she is getting better by the day.) The Burn Unit in SLC also has special designed camps for different age groups to help individuals dealing with their loss and with their wounds.
Noelle and I have been invited to partake with professional staff and other burn victims in a camp rafting the Colorado River in September.
These camps are funded by an annual auction https://myab.co/events/u3/
I'll also partake in a spiritual journey climbing the Rockies and the Mount of the Holy Cross in Colorado this summer with climbers from Lander.

One huge thing that has happened is also that I applied for being a part of the Lander Volunteer Fire Squad, I will be as an intern training amongst local heroes fighting my own demons, but at the same time I'm hoping I'll be helping them in many ways.
Able 1st was afraid and angry when he heard about my plans becoming a fire fighter but after I explained to him why I wanted to do this he understood.
He even said a couple of weeks ago he wanted to become just like me......and also become a fire fighter.

There is so much ahead of us and we are thriving as a family and want to thank you for all of your help and prayers, we love ya'll...