The month of July couldn't be over soon enough, 2nd year burniversary;(

The Month of July couldn’t be over quickly enough:

It’s already the end of September and it took me this long to write another blog post.

July was one hectic month; Remmy’s follow up surgery on the expanders on his head, and a Holiday (4^th of July) that is still branded in our brains as one of the most valuable memories we have of the boys and ofcourse the second “anniversary” date (July 15^th) of our tragedy

Remmy’s surgery on his burns on his head went very well physically, but he didn’t respond well emotionally. The moment he woke up from his anesthesia he pulled out his woundvac that was attached and inserted under the skin of his head (imagine a six to eight-inch tube under the skin of your head pulled out, he pulled out his IV and all the wires attached to his body. Waking up the children on his wing of the Hospital every time a nurse came in checking on vitals or when doctor came in his room for two full days. After the 2^nd day the Docs requested Noelle to take Remmy to the Ronald MacDonald House and bring him in once a day for checkup.  Understand that this was also the first time it wasn’t me (Feike) being with Remmy during the surgery and stay in SLC with Remmy was hard on Remmy but also for myself it felt strange and I felt like I abandoned him…. Instead, I had my hands full with our gallery, Able and Beanie at home with me and covering the Chaplain position at Frontier Home Health and Hospice. It was tough for me to be seperated from him and I’m assured for him it was exactly the same. After a week Remmy was fully discharged but the Docs also wanted Remmy to have a “break” by them not wanting to do any more surgeries until the beginning of next year. The doctors decided Remmy has had to much trauma and he needed the “break”. Remmy also has shown a delay in speech, motor skills and cognition compared to an average child his age, the doctors felt that he also needed time to develop these skills since the trauma and all the Hospital stays caused these delays as well. This half a year of a “break” has also been beneficial for us as parents and the rest of the family a lot. Remmy has been able to develop, play and grow this summer, now also going to pre-school 2.5 hrs 4 days a week being helped by Child development Services has been such a great and positive venue for him to develop.

4^th of July.

Our 4^th of July started great, early in the morning I got two kids (Able & Beanie) ready to be part of our “World” famous Lander parade. The fire trucks that are at the end of the parade caravan are packed with fire fighters and their children and when the 4^th block in Lander is reached there is the big and famous “water fight”. Remmy loves the fire engines but not when the truck is driving and especially not when the sirens are going off, so Remmy stayed on the side of Main Street watching the parade with the rest of the family. Able and Beanie loved the parade, waving at people, throwing out candy to the children and snacking on candy themselves. Not until the fireworks started trauma triggers evolved into panic and anxiety, Remmy became restless after hearing and seeing fireworks. Able stayed cool until it got too close to him while Beanie enjoyed every loud bang and colorful skylines. Due to Remmy and Able’s behavior Noelle and I noticed their anxiety and panic hitting us while we were trying to calm the boys down. The smell and sight of fire and fireworks don’t trigger me anymore the way it used to (being part of the Fire Department helped) instead I became agitated and snappy especially when my thoughts brought me back to the wonderful but painful memory of the 4^th of July 2 years prior when our family of 7 enjoyed the fireworks on our own property. Due to the State firework ban (Governor’s orders due to the dry summer in the State) Our County Commissioners over ruled the order, I felt the need to protect my property with a fire extinguisher in one hand ensuring my property didn’t catch on fire, since people in the county lines were igniting firework (Thank you commissioners!) Instead we picnicked on our property with a tent, small controlled camp fire, while storytelling and making s’mores. Memories came to surface where both the good and the bad connected and I was in a confusing state of grief at that specific time, I wanted to cry, yell but also smile. This by the way was the last photographic evidence of our two boys being with us. I keep the picture Able took of a smiling Zephy and Noah climbed on our backs close to my heart.

July 15^th was our 2^nd anniversary of the fire and that day generally stunk. Perhaps even tougher than the 1^st anniversary. It seemed all our negative emotions were everywhere, anger, frustration, impatience, anxiety and more. Just like last year I went back to the property around 6:00 – 6:45pm and I cried and cried. Some days I feel like I’m healing and can envision the step/stage I am in my grief process. Other days I feel like I’m back to square one, trying to pinch myself making sure it wasn’t just a very, very bad dream. Needless to say neither Noelle or I were in the mood or thought about cooking until 7pm and I ordered Chinese, the moment I headed home, there it was a sign I’ve been asking for all day. A clear double rainbow was on the horizon. With tears in my eyes and the thought of the boys I drove home, while running into the house I called the kids ‘Able, Zephy, Noah’……..I mean Able, Beanie, Rem…..come outside, Able ran outside first…crying, jumping, screaming…..’Beanie, Remmy…that’s your brothers!’ Beanie and Remmy replied in awe ‘our brothers’?! I ran inside, trying to find Noelle….Noelle is bursting in tears sitting in a corner, I couldn’t do more then hold her and cry with her.

Anger, 1 of the 5 steps of grief.

As I am mentally preparing for the next run of surgeries (upcoming Friday, July 10^th) on Remmy’s burn scars, I’m becoming emotional. Emotional because I cannot control or help him with his anxiety, his pain and his behavior regards his weekly visits to the doctors to inflate his expanders on his scalp. Every week I have to drive to the pediatrician, comfort him, pin him against my body so they can inject 20cc of saline into the expanders. It hurts me to see him in pain and while I look at the scars that cover 35% of his head they puncture a needle into his head and being his father I feel I should comfort him but instead I am the one pinning him against my chest so “they” can hurt him even more. Tears well up in his eyes, he screams the top of his little lungs, I feel his heart pounding against my chest and with all his force he tries to untangle my grip by kicking and pushing, his face turning red feeling helpless and I am the one letting it happen.

Luckily Remmy is quickly to forgive when the nurse gives him a lollipop (Pop) and a sticker (ticker), after we walk out of the clinic Remmy walks up to a small statue in the clinics yard and taps it with respect stating ‘Dada, that’s Cheesus and brobbers’ with a gentle and calm voice. My eyes start welling up every time he does that, not totally understanding how he knows I needed that event to happen at the time to help me with my own anxiety, feelings of anger and guilt.

The emotion of anger still continues to try to control many days the moment I wake up. After our tragedy I personally deal with two major factors that try to control my daily life first anger and then depression kicks in….. I never used to be an angry individual, I was mostly seen as a happy and laid back person by people around me. Lately I’ve been focusing a lot on my anger, even Noelle asks me often ‘Feike, did you take your meds today?’ and Able addresses it a little more different by saying ‘Daddy I’m sorry you have a rough day’.

My anger is deeply rooted into our tragedy that occurred, In the very early stages of my personal grief after the house fire I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the people that tried to help us when we tried to rescue our kids, angry at the first responders, angry at life flight and so on. My anger towards God letting this happen sometimes still keeps me busy and frustrated. It makes me remember a discussion I had shortly after our tragedy with someone on Facebook who first seemed to show empathy and compassion but shortly after that stated that my anger towards God was like I am rejecting God. I was called by him a traitor in God’s eye, someone who was putting himself above God, someone who lived a double life. I was negatively surprised by his remarks, trying to explain to him that the anger is a response due to my grief, due to my loss. I asked him if he ever experienced a tragedy or something hard in his life he couldn’t have control over and he said yes but he never “blamed” God for these things that happened to him. This individual just kept on going, attacking me with sharp and insensitive remarks that I felt the need to unfriend him on FB. Still nowadays I ask myself that if God is the creator of all things, why did this happen, why do I suffer, why does Remmy suffer, why does my whole family suffer? I never had the thought God made this fire happen, my thought instead has been that He did let this happen (He was for sure capable to not let it happen), but I’m still unclear why? Have I ever blamed God? No I have not, but instead I am wondering why it had to happen……. People have a hard time not saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ mostly because they do not know what else to say. I actually don’t believe in that phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’, instead I believe that finding a meaningful purpose that co-relates with your tragedy is a very relieving and healing response.

For Noelle it seems making art, visiting with her specialist and hanging out with some of her friends is a good outlet to deal with her anger. Noelle was part of an art show in Lander’s art center and especially one of her paintings reflected our tragedy, not only the theme but the shapes and even her way of carving with nails and tools into the canvas. (see picture). Becoming a part of the fire department, volunteer for organizations helping families in need and children’s hospitals, offering counseling and emergency response debriefing (ERD), chaplaincy for hospice are such outlets for me to cope with my loss and grief. They are in my eyes honoring and meaningful purposes where I am able to use my negative experience of the tragedy by turning it into a positive deed. Everyone has a different purpose and I would love to challenge anyone reading my blogs to look at their personal struggles and tragedies to find a purpose turning these experiences in a positive healing road to recovery.

While being a chaplain for hospice has been a very challenging job for me, dealing with death has been for me a more and more sacred and divine chapter in someone’s life. I’m mainly coping with elderly and chronically ill individuals that are very open sharing their life story with me. Having worked in nursing homes I already experienced death up close, the opportunity I have working for hospice now has given me the opportunity to be intimate with people in a more emotional and spiritual supporting role. Working for hospice gave me another perspective on my anger looking at the client’s or patients view of their “last breaths” in this world, their accomplishments throughout their lives, but also looking at the views of their loved ones they are leaving behind. Hospice gave me new home work to munch on and pretty often the word anger came to the surface, causing me to also do a small survey on Facebook asking my friends how they cope with anger see link under the text. 59 FB friends (different ages, cultures and religions) completed the survey having just one question, the surveys questions entails: When ANGER grows in your heart and mind, what do you do to prevent it’s growth and how do you manage it?

22% take a walk

15% go on the internet

14% meditates

12% Reads and 12% writes

56% had their own response

see link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-5CCPYG5R/

Under here I attached some notes I’ve been writing up as homework for myself regards grief and loss, hopefully it makes some sense:

5 stages of grief

1: Denial

2: Anger (often

3: Bargaining

4: Depression

5: Acceptance

Examples of emotional expressions while grieving

1: numbness

2: yearning

3: despair

4: recovery

Examples of loss adaptation

Acceptance, working, adjusting, moving forward

Grief often feel like a rollercoaster ride with it’s ups and downs, highs and lows, your life feels out of control and is very unpredictable. Often grieving can cause even physical and mental changes in an individual’s regular pattern of life. It can cause insomnia, fatigue or even over sleeping. Change in appetite by eating less or over eating. Exacerbation of an illness can occur as well as in hypertension, allergies, migraines, diabetes, digestive disorders. Emotions are often out of control and you’re going through circles in a rollercoaster ride meeting emotions like sadness, guilt, anger, worry, anxiety, fear, paranoia, hopelessness and helplessness. Behavioral manifestations of anxiety, tension irritability, aggression, withdrawal, introversion, extraversion or self-destructive behavior take control.

Self-destructive behaviors like alcohol or drug abuse, promiscuity and reckless behavior.

Or even hyper active behavior like hypervigilance, cleaning or shopping.

To flee or to fight!

It's been a while that I wrote a blog, next to procrastinating I've been quite busy with so many things, from figuring out how we as a family will visit our friends and family on the East Coast this summer to how we're going to manage to be at my brother's wedding in the Netherlands in October.
From running our new store to training to become a fire fighter.
I've had many moments of giving up, to disappear, to run, to hide, to move to a different State or even a different Country.

Facing my daily "demons" isn't an easy thing, but also to flee away from it isn't going to help anything either. It's hard not to be angry, hard not to be bitter and upset and I personally think it's fine......I'm at least communicating about it in physical, vocal and expressive matter.
I faced a wide variety of trials that led back to back flashes of what happened the night of July 15, it's been over 10 months ago and it still feels like it was just one month ago.

Conquering the force that caused the damage.
About 4 weeks ago I was in Cody to train at the fire school and it was tough, it was tough to be surrounded by fire fighters and not to think about my boys, I got reminded by so many sensory factors, I was most of the time in my bunkers, smelled smoke, heard sirens, saw fire fighters in action....I could only think .....If I could only, If I only knew what I know now.....I could have.....saved them. With tears in my eyes I called out their names many times during the training; Zephy, Noah ....I miss you, daddy is so sorry he couldn't save you.

I applied to become a fire fighter for many reasons, and one of them is that I don't want anyone in my community to experience what I do, I want to fight, I want to save, I want to help.....there where I couldn't before, I will hopefully now.
I really want to redeem myself, not only because I continue to feel guilty or feel like I failed.

It's easy for me to build a wall so my emotions cannot escape, I rather put all that energy in something good, something useful. I could easily choose an addiction or something that will fill that empty spot in my heart with something that temporarily heals. But eventually it will tear me a part.
This is one of the many daily choices I make because I want to live, I don't want to live a depressed and angry life.

One example of me choosing to overcome my daily struggle: I choose to face the killer of my children from a different angle, I choose to become one of the hero's that will be able to cuss to yell and to destroy this killer with physical, spiritual and mental labor, I choose to become a fire fighter.

The unpredictable force that destroyed my life almost (I said almost), I am hoping that I will become one of those heroes that will prevent the fire that could ruin the life's of my community, I'm not wanting to fight it for an adrenaline kick, I just don't want anyone else to experience what I have to experience.

I hope I could become that pillar people want to rest on, I want to be able to be someone who is of a source of wisdom physically, psychologically and spiritually...someone who can be of help to someone who is dealing with loss or grief, someone who had to deal with fire being the source of their loss.

I hope that I could be there for the many fire fighters who are fathers and mothers and who have to deal with PTSD because they had to fight against fire that has killed and has destroyed.

Many other reasons are relative why I want to become a fire fighter, I love my community and wish nobody not even my worst enemies that they will go through the same thing as I do.

How I try to cope

Talking about my loss and grief or using ways to express seem to be working.

A friend of mine who hadn't seen me since the tragedy said that my eyes were speaking more then ever, they spoke that I was hurt, sad and broken inside, my eyes were sharing a story.

Luckily I do have some positive outlets where I can put my time and energy in to deal with my loss and grief like spending quality time with my kids, music, fishing, cooking, being at our new store to just call a few.

Loss of a loved one continues to be agonizing but I can also find strength in it, it totally depends on how I choose to deal with it.

I've considered many times to sit in a corner and due to my depression grow anger and bitterness, but I choose to be the father, the husband, the friend and the neighbor that is involved, hoping that I can be full of life and hopefully a roll model. My former co-workers commented to me that I was so much more different than before the tragedy, that I looked and sounded angry, I found that kind of a normal thing, and such a weird thing for others to be pointing out, it's quite normal that the jolly and foolish old me is extremely hurt and looks at life from a different perspective now. They insisted that I should find professional help to deal with my PTSD, I had a hard time finding someone locally since I knew all professionals and worked with them over the past 6 years, I didn't think anyone was able to work with a case like mine, it took a while for me to really understand it was myself and not the specialist who has to make the ability to work on my PTSD.

To flee or to fight

I felt that I had to make a choice to face my "demons", my fear, my depression, my anger, my loss, my grief and my emotions.

I have the control over how I wanted to be seen by the publics eyes.

I want to be seen as the father that continues to spend quality time with what I still have left on this earth, I want to be happy again, I want to enjoy my life again, although there are large pieces torn out of my heart, I want to smile again, enjoy my family again, enjoy the community, enjoy life again. 

My confrontation with death, being in a blazing fire, my 3rd degree burns, the realization that I could die of my burns the night of July 15th, the loss of most of my belongings, my house, the loss of my dear sons, the severe burns on my 9 month old twin boy, it makes everything look so precious, so sacred, so beautiful that I feel more strongly than ever the impulse to love it, to embrace it, and to let myself be overwhelmed by it. Somehow death and its ever present possibility makes love, passionate love, more possible. I continue to long for the day I will leave this earth, I occasionally wish for that day that I will be without the mental & physical pain.........but I know that time isn't here yet, I have still so much to live for. I'm just blessed that I have that sacred understanding that one day I will be reunited with Zephy & Noah again, that that day will come that I will not feel the pain anymore, that the day will come I will no longer have that fear again and my memory will be washed away because of all the beautiful things that will surround me.

It's a daily struggle for me to choose life above depression since it is haunting me.

Global Arts 
I learned that whatever struggle you have to go through in your life you can use it as a tool to help others, you can choose to use that experience to become the foundation of your calling, instead of it condemning you, you can use it to resurrect you.

I also know and feel that something larger and bigger then anything else is watching over me, giving me strength to continue and to go on, I don't feel alone in this, I feel like I'm carried in prayer.

Noelle and I are blessed that because of many people's prayers, financial, physical and material help we can continue and start over again, I finally have a job again (since October is a very long time)...being self employed owning Global arts (since May 1st) we can hopefully do something back for our community.

Since we opened GlobalArts I have been able to share to many visitors and customers at the gallery a story about a painting painted by Melissa Strickler, it's called shadowlands and it's a collage made out of photography, magazine/newspaper articles, wasp nest, church window glass, watercolor, oil paint and a lot more.

It is a very spiritual piece that the painter wants to share that there is always someone watching over you in the darkest moments of your life.

I noticed that this painting has spoken not only to me but also many other people coming in the gallery, feel free to look at it and share/comments how this painting speaks to you and what you see.

Noelle started picking up making art again and I'm amongst the community trying to make the customers and visitors happy, for both of us this has a very therapeutic effect.

Is it rational for me to be angry?!

I've often been in a phase that's called anger (Loosing two kids and most of your belongings, can definitely cause that emotion, correct?), but who am I angry at?
I'm called snappy, upset, loud, angry, mad, threatening, but my friends know that I am not an angry person and definitely not a violent person.
Anger in the Bible is seen as a huge sin (but how can I not be angry?)
Matthew 5:22 explains that anger violates God's commandment to Love, Anger in many cases refers to seething, brooding bitterness against someone, it is a dangerous but quite natural emotion that threatens to leap out and leads into violence, emotional hurt, increased mental stress, and spiritual damage.
Anger keeps us from developing a spirit pleasing to God.
Have you ever been proud that you didn't strike out and say what was really on your mind?
Self control is good, but Christ wants us to practice thought-control as well.
Jesus said that we will be held accountable even for our attitudes.
Even after our family's tragedy, how can we follow that commandment, it isn't easy and it's a daily, hourly, minute choice I have to make.......
Victor Frankl a Jewish Psychiatrist and Survivor of WW2's concentration camps included Auschwitz (yesterday it was 70 years ago that it was liberated) Once said; It is a question of the attitude one takes towards life's challenges and opportunities, both large and small, a positive attitude enables a person to endure suffering and disappointment as well as enhance enjoyment and satisfaction.
A negative attitude intensifies pain and deepens disappointments; it undermines and diminishes pleasure, happiness and satisfaction, it may even lead to depression or physical illness. Frankl was one of the "blessed" ones that survived the camps and stayed in Austria his main population he helped as a psychiatrist after WW2 were actually Nazi Soldiers and Officers, he didn't treat them as any other patient he actually cared for..
A friend I met after the tragedy once said to me, "don't you think certain individuals in the Bible itself weren't angry towards God? Job, or even Jesus, weren't they angry, due to pain and injustice, how was their attitude towards all the things they had to go through.

Don't you think that from all the different language translations including Aramaic, Greek, Roman, Latin etc. some words in anger towards God spoken/written by people like Moses, Elijah, Job were excessive but even profound and lost in translation?

Of course I have my moments of anger, my two sons were stolen several feet away from me, and yes I've used terms and slang due to anger which I will not repeat and they've gone further then "All Mighty Smiter, Smite me!"
Still on a daily basis I have to deal with anger, mostly in my own mind and heart, I try my best not to reflect it to others.
But my faith in God has not become in danger, many men I've spoken with don't believe in a God that would not cause hurt and pain in innocent children and babies, I believe the God I serve and believe in, takes care of the children and babies in a remarkable way.
A dear friend of mine, who I had the privilege traveling through Europe forming the rhythm section of a Christian Rock band recorded how he envisioned the way he thinks it happened.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7A4tiQfF-0
My believe is also that it wasn't God who did this.....It was actually the opposite, it was that nasty evil one called Satan, he likes to hurt people and stir things up.
Many worse things still happen on this earth, think about the hunger epidemic in certain countries in Africa, think about ISIS, think about North Korea, the floods, the airplain crashes etc.
I believe Satan is testing me personally, and how I am responding and if my faith in God will dwindle.
I can say that I cussed, I cried, begged and still don't understand....but am also understanding that somewhere in the Psalms is written that God preserves all our tears, perhaps none of our suffering is in vain. I believe God is a loving God, this episode in our lives has a deeper meaning, what it is I maybe will never know until I meet Zephy and Noah in Heaven myself.
It was a blessing to see them develop and God picked us as their parents although it was a very short time. Continuously things happen on a daily basis that make me angry, people just after the accident have been posting dumb things about what happens when you leave a grill unattended, and that we were irresponsible parents, EXCUSE me ignorant individual, please say that straight in my face if you have some guts....the grill wasn't even on.

I know this is a fact since I'm the only one that cooks on that grill, so next time if you want to sound a "little" smarter, more sensitive, compassionate and less ignorant on the worldwide web, think before you post!

Or go visit me and my and my 10 month old son struggling for his life with 3rd and 4th degree wounds in the Burn Unit in SLC and say these things in my face. The same week I returned to Lander, exploring the playground with Able an 8-9 year old girl walks up to me and says;" I'm so sorry what happened with your children and your house, but you should know, that you should never leave your grill unattended"!
I did my best not to cry, but did tell the little girl patiently and quietly that she could tell her parents that the grill wasn't even turned on and if they had any questions they were welcome to talk to me in person. 

Of course, no parent showed up......inside I was hurt, I carried a lot of pain and was actually quite angry that a parent gossiped such lies to their young children.
Although I'm a big guy, I'm as sweet and squishy as a Giant Gummy Bear.
My fuse has been a little shorter since the accident, some people understand why, and other's just don't care, some even ignited the fuse several times.
Our families hurt has been so deep and it's been extremely painful, we feel even though so many people reached out, we have felt occasionally isolated, we've longed hearing Zephy and Noah's voices, see their faces or even cuddle and wrestle with them.
We also know that without our faith and redemption that we would not be anywhere where we are at, right now.
I'm grateful for the ones that do understand and have been sensitive, I'm grateful for the individuals that have been helping us out physically, mentally and spiritually, that have stretched their arms out to bless us in abundance.

Researchers at Yale University School of Medicine have been impressed by the number of prisoners of the Vietnam war, who explicitly claimed that although their captivity was extraordinarily stressful, filled with torture, disease, malnutrition and solitary confinement, they nevertheless........"benefited from the captivity experience, seeing as a growth experience mentally, emotionally and often spiritually." Their faith grew after such painful experiences in their life's.
I can for certain say that my personal diagnosis of PTSD has made me a different man, certain days I'm snappier then other days, some days are tougher then other days.
One comment or event can change my perspective and can trigger my emotions easily.
Sometimes I have to sit and cry, sometimes I have to "take some time to cool off".
Although I will never become someone like the Hulk, that after an angry outburst rips his clothes off, grows in size and muscles and changes of color of skin. (although sometimes I had that super power)

I have a differen't way of expressing anger, and luckily it's more introvert and hidden in my soul.
So the main question is, is it okay to be angry......I would say yes it is, but your attitude dealing with the anger is the most important aspect of your anger.
Have I been angry with God, yes I have.....but does a Father love His son less when His son is angry at Him?
I do have to make a Paradigm Shift here on a daily basis and it's a tough one.

From being angry, I have to be thankful, thankful what individuals have done for my family, thankful for what's going to happen next, not knowing what.

Thankful for the occasional rest, peace and comfort I feel.
Thankful for what I still have left, on this earth.
Not Angry, but Thankful!
When we accept the mercy and love of God into our lives, the pain of separation will lean into healing, slowly, BUT SURELY.