Being that the tragedy happened over a year and a half ago, I've heard some people say that they expect that most of my grieving and mourning process should be over. Well, I have to tell those individuals that it's not even close to being over. It seems to be a reality instead of a "dream" more & more and the wish that it all was a nightmare is present continuously.
Able, Beanie and Remmy are growing up way to fast and I see so many glimpses of Zephy and Noah in them. It's quite hard to see the twins interact with others, their facial expressions, sitting pose because of similarities.....Remmy makes cute noises when he wants to cuddle or needs attention which Noah used to do, Beanie is very sensitive and talks with a slight lisp like Zephy used to do.
Being reminded of the two boys that were taken away too early due to an event that is still imprinted in my mind and heart isn't always an easy thing, although sometimes being reminded by their specific habits and trades occasionally give me a feeling that the two boys are still with me in some sort of a way. It is hard to describe but sometimes it seems God is telling me something, why do these little but obvious things remind me of them so much.
An obvious sign of where I'm at with my healing process is when I see a young child (often blond and build like any of my two boys) playing with their father, doing something that I frequently use to do with the boys, first I become happy, then sad and then angry, many times asking God why, while tears roll over my face. I sometimes feel the courage to ask the father how old the child is and it gives me the opportunity to interact with the child and the father. Memories fly by, which make me smile in first instance and then miss them even more.Another sign of where I'm at with my healing process indicates with one of my hobbies I used to have, I used to love going to movies, watch action movies and thrillers.
Now it makes me sick to my stomach how Hollywood can use death, tragedy, fire, loss of a child or loved one or even emotional or physical pain into something that gets great reviews. All these terrible things are seen by pain to many individuals while others are entertained by these visual images which can be realistic nightmares for others. Nowadays I don't have cable anymore and watch kids Netflix movie and shows with the kids since that won't trigger any bad emotions or bring pain to the surface, anyone ever heard of my kids favorite show Octonauts?
Seeing Remmy grow into a toddler is wonderful, but with that growth his burn scars are also developing. It appears he's having more pain then before also since his pain medication is scheduled at specific times, we can see it wearing off, he'll hit the burned side of his head hard while screaming.
Quite regularly he points at his legs and says mommy/daddy auwe, knowing that we will massage the scars on his legs often with lotion specially made for Remmy.
Due to Rem's quick development in growth the doctors scheduled surgeries on his burned head upcoming Monday February 29th 7:15AM,
The last time this same surgery was done on Remmy about half a year ago, we again experienced the fear of loosing him. He ended up with 2 infections under the burns and we had to leave his little body in Gods hands, it was so scary that Noelle said "goodbye" when Remmy and I left to SLC in urgency, a goodbye we've never been really able to say to Zephy and Noah,
Remmy showed signs and symptoms of an infection by becoming lethargic at moments, not wanting to eat or drink and high sky high fevers between 104 and 106 degrees. Noelle and I did everything to reduce the fevers and tried every way possible in the book to at least drink fluids. Both of us aren't individuals that go to doctors unless it's really necessary, the same with our kids, we've worked in healthcare for quite some years and would first do everything we can do ourselves to help our children until we have no idea, understanding or control over the issue.
So, we took him to the ER and somehow the specialists thought the pressure behind Remmy's ears was the right indication of him having a simple ear infection, we tried our very best to explain that we thought it was related to the expanders placed under his burn scar but instead we were send home with antibiotics for his ear-infection and a simple fever reducer.
No other medical issues or concerns were covered and not even blood work (CBC) got ordered or done.
Throughout the whole night Remmy was having spiked fevers that went up to 106 degrees, inflammation started to become visible and eventually his eyelids were shut due to the fluid build up.
Early in the morning, I got a hold of Remmy's pediatrician and asked if he could see Remmy immediately, thand begged Him to spare us from more pain and suffering and spare Remmy's fragile body.at it's urgent and also explained to him what the hospital did since he already visited the ER. Finally there was an individual that listened and looked at all possibilities, he was baffled that the diagnosis was an ear infection since ever screaming and upset child will show an extensive amount of pressure behind the ears, he looked and saw nothing unusual, another thing the pediatrician was surprised about was that the ER Docs didn't rule anything else out by ordering a simple CBC (bloodwork) to make sure that they didn't miss anything and since Remmy's history is different they should have at least done a CBC.Within an hour after the CBC came back with a sky-high amount of white blood counts, I received a phone call Remmy needed immediate care and surgery in SLC.
Driving my car for the next 5 hours with a dead-sick child I prayed to God to spare Rem from more pain and suffering and begged Him to heal his fragile body, but also to bring peace in my mind and heart. I cried for all the 5 hours on my way to the Hospital in SLC and asked God also when the aftermath of our house fire tragedy would finally stop. I questioned; will you take another child away from us? Why do we deserve this? A sudden peace came over me when we arrived at the hospital, remarkable it was. 3 days after surgery the cultures came back showing 2 infections MRSA and STAPH, I almost lost my child if it would have gotten septic, it was showing signs it was spreading quick with the inflammation in his body.
I'm thankful I still have Remmy in my life, but the fear to loose him is also present, since Monday he'll undergo the same procedure. That the surgery will be helping Remmy in the long run is the reason why this needs to happen. I would like to ask your help to pray for Remmy, the specialists and our family, that we will find peace again, and instead of fear that we will have faith that everything will go well.
Gofundme:
Outside of the medical expenses, the cost of travel, lodging and meals will add up.They are blessed to stay at the Ronald McDonald House which is a welcoming home for parents and family that have children either in critical conditions or are at the hospital for an extended time. The Ronald McDonald House only charges $20 a day for lodging and approximately one meal a day.
https://www.gofundme.com/RemmyRoad
The Gofundme campaign above was established to help aid the financial burden on Remmy and his beautiful family. A separate Gofundme Campaign is also running for the entire Van Dijk family to assist in getting back on their feet.
http://www.gofundme.com/loveforthevandijks
