As I am mentally preparing for the next run of surgeries (upcoming
Friday, July 10th) on Remmy’s burn scars, I’m becoming emotional.
Emotional because I cannot control or help him with his anxiety, his pain and
his behavior regards his weekly visits to the doctors to inflate his expanders
on his scalp. Every week I have to drive to the pediatrician, comfort him, pin
him against my body so they can inject 20cc of saline into the expanders. It
hurts me to see him in pain and while I look at the scars that cover 35% of his
head they puncture a needle into his head and being his father I feel I should
comfort him but instead I am the one pinning him against my chest so “they” can
hurt him even more. Tears well up in his eyes, he screams the top of his little
lungs, I feel his heart pounding against my chest and with all his force he tries
to untangle my grip by kicking and pushing, his face turning red feeling
helpless and I am the one letting it happen.
Luckily Remmy is quickly to forgive when the nurse gives him
a lollipop (Pop) and a sticker (ticker), after we walk out of the clinic Remmy
walks up to a small statue in the clinics yard and taps it with respect stating
‘Dada, that’s Cheesus and brobbers’ with a gentle and calm voice. My eyes start
welling up every time he does that, not totally understanding how he knows I
needed that event to happen at the time to help me with my own anxiety,
feelings of anger and guilt.
The emotion of anger still continues to try to control many
days the moment I wake up. After our tragedy I personally deal with two major
factors that try to control my daily life first anger and then depression kicks
in….. I never used to be an angry individual, I was mostly seen as a happy and
laid back person by people around me. Lately I’ve been focusing a lot on my
anger, even Noelle asks me often ‘Feike, did you take your meds today?’ and Able
addresses it a little more different by saying ‘Daddy I’m sorry you have a
rough day’.
My anger is deeply rooted into our tragedy that occurred, In
the very early stages of my personal grief after the house fire I was angry at
God, angry at myself, angry at the people that tried to help us when we tried
to rescue our kids, angry at the first responders, angry at life flight and so
on. My anger towards God letting this happen sometimes still keeps me busy and
frustrated. It makes me remember a discussion I had shortly after our tragedy
with someone on Facebook who first seemed to show empathy and compassion but
shortly after that stated that my anger towards God was like I am rejecting
God. I was called by him a traitor in God’s eye, someone who was putting
himself above God, someone who lived a double life. I was negatively surprised
by his remarks, trying to explain to him that the anger is a response due to my
grief, due to my loss. I asked him if he ever experienced a tragedy or
something hard in his life he couldn’t have control over and he said yes but he
never “blamed” God for these things that happened to him. This individual just
kept on going, attacking me with sharp and insensitive remarks that I felt the
need to unfriend him on FB. Still nowadays I ask myself that if God is the creator
of all things, why did this happen, why do I suffer, why does Remmy suffer, why
does my whole family suffer? I never had the thought God made this fire happen,
my thought instead has been that He did let this happen (He was for sure
capable to not let it happen), but I’m still unclear why? Have I ever blamed
God? No I have not, but instead I am wondering why it had to happen……. People
have a hard time not saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ mostly because
they do not know what else to say. I actually don’t believe in that phrase
‘everything happens for a reason’, instead I believe that finding a meaningful
purpose that co-relates with your tragedy is a very relieving and healing
response.
For Noelle it seems making art, visiting with her specialist
and hanging out with some of her friends is a good outlet to deal with her
anger. Noelle was part of an art show in Lander’s art center and especially one
of her paintings reflected our tragedy, not only the theme but the shapes and
even her way of carving with nails and tools into the canvas. (see picture). Becoming
a part of the fire department, volunteer for organizations helping families in
need and children’s hospitals, offering counseling and emergency response
debriefing (ERD), chaplaincy for hospice are such outlets for me to cope with my
loss and grief. They are in my eyes honoring and meaningful purposes where I am
able to use my negative experience of the tragedy by turning it into a positive
deed. Everyone has a different purpose and I would love to challenge anyone
reading my blogs to look at their personal struggles and tragedies to find a
purpose turning these experiences in a positive healing road to recovery.
While being a chaplain for hospice has been a very
challenging job for me, dealing with death has been for me a more and more
sacred and divine chapter in someone’s life. I’m mainly coping with elderly and
chronically ill individuals that are very open sharing their life story with
me. Having worked in nursing homes I already experienced death up close, the opportunity I have working for hospice now has given me the
opportunity to be intimate with people in a more emotional and spiritual
supporting role. Working for hospice gave me another perspective on my anger
looking at the client’s or patients view of their “last breaths” in this world, their
accomplishments throughout their lives, but also looking at the views of their
loved ones they are leaving behind. Hospice gave me new home work to munch on
and pretty often the word anger came to the surface, causing me to also do a
small survey on Facebook asking my friends how they cope with anger see link
under the text. 59 FB friends (different ages, cultures and religions)
completed the survey having just one question, the surveys questions entails:
When ANGER grows in your heart and mind, what do you do to prevent it’s growth
and how do you manage it?
22% take a walk
15% go on the internet
14% meditates
12% Reads and 12% writes
56% had their own response
see link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-5CCPYG5R/
Under here I attached some notes I’ve been writing up as
homework for myself regards grief and loss, hopefully it makes some sense:
5 stages of grief
1: Denial
2: Anger (often
3: Bargaining
4: Depression
5: Acceptance
Examples of emotional expressions while grieving
1: numbness
2: yearning
3: despair
4: recovery
Examples of loss adaptation
Acceptance, working, adjusting, moving forward
Grief often feel like a rollercoaster ride with it’s ups and
downs, highs and lows, your life feels out of control and is very
unpredictable. Often grieving can cause even physical and mental changes in an
individual’s regular pattern of life. It can cause insomnia, fatigue or even
over sleeping. Change in appetite by eating less or over eating. Exacerbation
of an illness can occur as well as in hypertension, allergies, migraines,
diabetes, digestive disorders. Emotions are often out of control and you’re
going through circles in a rollercoaster ride meeting emotions like sadness,
guilt, anger, worry, anxiety, fear, paranoia, hopelessness and helplessness.
Behavioral manifestations of anxiety, tension irritability, aggression, withdrawal,
introversion, extraversion or self-destructive behavior take control.
Self-destructive behaviors like alcohol or drug abuse,
promiscuity and reckless behavior.
Or even hyper active behavior like hypervigilance, cleaning
or shopping.
