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Monday, May 18, 2015

To flee or to fight!

It's been a while that I wrote a blog, next to procrastinating I've been quite busy with so many things, from figuring out how we as a family will visit our friends and family on the East Coast this summer to how we're going to manage to be at my brother's wedding in the Netherlands in October.
From running our new store to training to become a fire fighter.
I've had many moments of giving up, to disappear, to run, to hide, to move to a different State or even a different Country.
Facing my daily "demons" isn't an easy thing, but also to flee away from it isn't going to help anything either. It's hard not to be angry, hard not to be bitter and upset and I personally think it's fine......I'm at least communicating about it in physical, vocal and expressive matter.
I faced a wide variety of trials that led back to back flashes of what happened the night of July 15, it's been over 10 months ago and it still feels like it was just one month ago.

Conquering the force that caused the damage.
About 4 weeks ago I was in Cody to train at the fire school and it was tough, it was tough to be surrounded by fire fighters and not to think about my boys, I got reminded by so many sensory factors, I was most of the time in my bunkers, smelled smoke, heard sirens, saw fire fighters in action....I could only think .....If I could only, If I only knew what I know now.....I could have.....saved them. With tears in my eyes I called out their names many times during the training; Zephy, Noah ....I miss you, daddy is so sorry he couldn't save you.
I applied to become a fire fighter for many reasons, and one of them is that I don't want anyone in my community to experience what I do, I want to fight, I want to save, I want to help.....there where I couldn't before, I will hopefully now.
I really want to redeem myself, not only because I continue to feel guilty or feel like I failed.
It's easy for me to build a wall so my emotions cannot escape, I rather put all that energy in something good, something useful. I could easily choose an addiction or something that will fill that empty spot in my heart with something that temporarily heals. But eventually it will tear me a part.
This is one of the many daily choices I make because I want to live, I don't want to live a depressed and angry life.
One example of me choosing to overcome my daily struggle: I choose to face the killer of my children from a different angle, I choose to become one of the hero's that will be able to cuss to yell and to destroy this killer with physical, spiritual and mental labor, I choose to become a fire fighter.
The unpredictable force that destroyed my life almost (I said almost), I am hoping that I will become one of those heroes that will prevent the fire that could ruin the life's of my community, I'm not wanting to fight it for an adrenaline kick, I just don't want anyone else to experience what I have to experience.
I hope I could become that pillar people want to rest on, I want to be able to be someone who is of a source of wisdom physically, psychologically and spiritually...someone who can be of help to someone who is dealing with loss or grief, someone who had to deal with fire being the source of their loss.
I hope that I could be there for the many fire fighters who are fathers and mothers and who have to deal with PTSD because they had to fight against fire that has killed and has destroyed.
Many other reasons are relative why I want to become a fire fighter, I love my community and wish nobody not even my worst enemies that they will go through the same thing as I do.

How I try to cope
Talking about my loss and grief or using ways to express seem to be working.
A friend of mine who hadn't seen me since the tragedy said that my eyes were speaking more then ever, they spoke that I was hurt, sad and broken inside, my eyes were sharing a story.
Luckily I do have some positive outlets where I can put my time and energy in to deal with my loss and grief like spending quality time with my kids, music, fishing, cooking, being at our new store to just call a few.
Loss of a loved one continues to be agonizing but I can also find strength in it, it totally depends on how I choose to deal with it.
I've considered many times to sit in a corner and due to my depression grow anger and bitterness, but I choose to be the father, the husband, the friend and the neighbor that is involved, hoping that I can be full of life and hopefully a roll model. My former co-workers commented to me that I was so much more different than before the tragedy, that I looked and sounded angry, I found that kind of a normal thing, and such a weird thing for others to be pointing out, it's quite normal that the jolly and foolish old me is extremely hurt and looks at life from a different perspective now. They insisted that I should find professional help to deal with my PTSD, I had a hard time finding someone locally since I knew all professionals and worked with them over the past 6 years, I didn't think anyone was able to work with a case like mine, it took a while for me to really understand it was myself and not the specialist who has to make the ability to work on my PTSD.

To flee or to fight
I felt that I had to make a choice to face my "demons", my fear, my depression, my anger, my loss, my grief and my emotions.
I have the control over how I wanted to be seen by the publics eyes.
I want to be seen as the father that continues to spend quality time with what I still have left on this earth, I want to be happy again, I want to enjoy my life again, although there are large pieces torn out of my heart, I want to smile again, enjoy my family again, enjoy the community, enjoy life again. 
My confrontation with death, being in a blazing fire, my 3rd degree burns, the realization that I could die of my burns the night of July 15th, the loss of most of my belongings, my house, the loss of my dear sons, the severe burns on my 9 month old twin boy, it makes everything look so precious, so sacred, so beautiful that I feel more strongly than ever the impulse to love it, to embrace it, and to let myself be overwhelmed by it. Somehow death and its ever present possibility makes love, passionate love, more possible. I continue to long for the day I will leave this earth, I occasionally wish for that day that I will be without the mental & physical pain.........but I know that time isn't here yet, I have still so much to live for. I'm just blessed that I have that sacred understanding that one day I will be reunited with Zephy & Noah again, that that day will come that I will not feel the pain anymore, that the day will come I will no longer have that fear again and my memory will be washed away because of all the beautiful things that will surround me.
It's a daily struggle for me to choose life above depression since it is haunting me.

Global Arts 
learned that whatever struggle you have to go through in your life you can use it as a tool to help others, you can choose to use that experience to become the foundation of your calling, instead of it condemning you, you can use it to resurrect you.
I also know and feel that something larger and bigger then anything else is watching over me, giving me strength to continue and to go on, I don't feel alone in this, I feel like I'm carried in prayer.
Noelle and I are blessed that because of many people's prayers, financial, physical and material help we can continue and start over again, I finally have a job again (since October is a very long time)...being self employed owning Global arts (since May 1st) we can hopefully do something back for our community.
Since we opened GlobalArts I have been able to share to many visitors and customers at the gallery a story about a painting painted by Melissa Strickler, it's called shadowlands and it's a collage made out of photography, magazine/newspaper articles, wasp nest, church window glass, watercolor, oil paint and a lot more.
It is a very spiritual piece that the painter wants to share that there is always someone watching over you in the darkest moments of your life.
I noticed that this painting has spoken not only to me but also many other people coming in the gallery, feel free to look at it and share/comments how this painting speaks to you and what you see.
Noelle started picking up making art again and I'm amongst the community trying to make the customers and visitors happy, for both of us this has a very therapeutic effect.

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