The show must go on!

While sitting in a sofa, sipping on a hot toddy (seems the best remedy, since everyone in the family has had a stomach bug this week, except for me) listening to the lullabies from the babies room, I finally have the time to write this blog.
Noelle is in SLC picking up a College room mate and spending some time in SLC before or after heading to Wyoming when the next snow storm has hit Lander's soil.
I've felt empty the last couple days, drained of quite a lot of energy.....maybe it's because there is a change of PTSD and sleeping medication and I haven't slept much, but I also haven't had much time not thinking about Zephy and Noah....It hurts so much just trying to imagine their faces, their smiles and laughter. We've been busy moving into our new house, which we have been able to purchase, thankfully due to the many blessings of the many readers of this blog.
I was also finally ready (had kept it quiet for a while) to share with the "Facebook" world that I've been terminated from my job which I've wanted for about 10 yrs, I lost that job since October 5th.
I am not ready to share how and why I got terminated but I can tell you it was ugly and painful.
Also the professionals that have been seeing us haven't seen a penny from our insurance (which is through my former employer) the professionals could easily decline our visits to them, if the insurance keeps on postponing payments to the psychiatrists, is this going to help any of our mention/psychological and emotional healing has been the rhetorical question on my mind.
I've been applying for jobs and have been declined, even one email mentioned without any reason that I was ineligible. All of this makes it harder, since I strongly belief that I was meant to be the provider for my family. I've slid and have fallen but never given up, we will get out of this mess, or has it been a blessing in disguise, we've had it rough emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically since the night of July 15th but have still a long road ahead of us.
Sometimes it feels like all struggle falls at once; or wait, is there still more to come, even my former co-workers from my last job that I once saw as friends and at one time were a big help through this tragedy and before the tragedy seem afraid that they are loosing their jobs if they continue being friends with me, so somehow they all quit contacting me since October 5th.....
I'm also quite clueless about the future, what direction should I go, what career steps should I take etc?
The first steps we have been taken over the last week or so, where quite a lot of important decisions ahead of us, including the beautiful but almost 100 year old house we purchased and Remmy's surgery dates in July and August, also in August I am already preparing the climb to the Mountain of the Holy Cross, which will be a spiritual journey I'll take at 14009 Feet that is 4270 m for the non Americans reading this.

First of, I should not have started the subject with "the show must go on" although sometimes it feels like that I live like Jim Carey in the Truman show......it's like everything I've gone through since July has been a TV set.....but maybe it's more like "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" also a Jim Carey Movie but one of his more serious roles. If you haven't seen that movie, it's worth it, it's a good thinker.
The title or subject line should actually say "and Life just goes on!"

2 Corinthians 4-16:18
Explains it's easy to loose heart and quit, many of us have faced problems in our relationships, work and other places in our lives that have caused us to think to give up.
Rather then quitting when persecution wore him down , Paul himself concentrated on the inner strength that came from the Holy spirit.


Don't let fatigue, pain or criticism force you of the job, instead renew your commitment to serving Christ. Don't forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of today's pain, your very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen you moment by moment.
Our troubles should not diminish our faith or disillusion us. We should realize there is a greater purpose in our sufferings (which to be honest I still struggle with and do not understand all the time), they keep us beyond this brief life on earth, they give us the opportunity to prove our faith to others.
They give God open doorways to His plan, to be of help to others dealing with the same sort of pain and /or issues.

The ultimate hope when we experience pain is the realization that this life is not all there is, there is life after Death! Knowing that, we will live forever with the Creator our God without any more pain and suffering, this knowledge can help us to live above the pain that we face in this earthly life.

There are in life some tragedies too big for a heart to hold, and they defy any description that makes any sense. Loosing my house, belongings and most painful my two sons Zephy and Noah don't make any sense to me. I'm extremely grateful that this heart is shared with so many people in our community, my family and even people that I've never met before and heard about our story.
I'm above all grateful for God, giving me the strength to go on........and to keep looking further into our future.

www.loveforthevandijks.info

                                                            The Real Nacho Libre!!

Big Boys should Cry!

As a young child I was taught just like many other children not to cry, "to be a big boy" about that scrape, cut, people teasing you etc.
Tears, crying nowadays especially in men's perspective is seen as a sign of weakness.
Do you remember your dad, brothers, parents or even the media ever say: real men don't cry!?
We men are taught in our society that we are not meant to cry, we are meant to be strong, independent and emotionless almost like robots, it's an illusion and it's a lie.

I just had a very tough week behind me, I'm burdened with pain......have had a hard time forgiving myself, feeling that I've not been the father to my children prior to the fire, the husband I once was to Noelle, jobless and made it publicly known that I haven't been employed since November 5th.
I've been extremely tearful lately missing my sons, looking at our circumstances, but still knowing that there is favor.

As an artist/musician/social worker/activities director etc. I always have been an emotional person, able to catch or create an atmosphere were emotion was necessary but I never was the one that cried a lot. I was always attracted to the rough Wyoming life style because I always thought it would toughen me up a little more. But still until this day, people may know that I cry when I tap the head of a fish or field dress the liveless animal that I shot minutes before.
I for instance did cry out my eye balls when I saw the 1st Ice age cartoon in 2002-2003 when at the end Manny the Mammoth after a long walk full of dangerous adventures gives the human baby back to his father, I was very touched by how they captured the love of this father to his son in a cartoon ending with a song of Rusted Root "send me on my way"......my friends looked at me like it was unreal, they saw this big guy crying over such a "silly" thing.

Noelle loves to go to the thrift shop and Lander has some great ones, about a month before the fire, she found a Bible, I was super stoked since I was not a big fan carrying around that huge black, hardcover, heavy book around to work and other places, no this was a good size (great letter type size) thin and leather cover bible but not until after 2 weeks before the accident I noticed the whole book of Job was missing (maybe that's why it was so light weight and thin)......But was this a sign?

In Job 16:19
We read in the book of Job that he cried and cried about all the misery that happened in his life
Job was afraid that God had abandoned him, yet he appealed directly to God (his Witness and Advocate) and to God's knowledge of his innocence. A witness is someone who has seen what has happened, and an advocate is like a lawyer who speaks on behalf of the plaintiff.
By using these terms, Job showed he had cast all his hope for any fair defense upon God in Heaven because he probably die before it happened on earth. (this is how I feel very connected with Job and his story). In the New Testament we learn that Jesus Christ Himself intercedes on our behalf :(Hebrews 7:25  and John 2:1).
Therefore we have nothing to fear........

Crying is a helpful part of our recovery process, tears are healing gifts from our God washing away our pain, clearing our souls.

Tears were unable to develop when both Noelle and I were standing & screaming while our log home on Lyons Valley was on fire the evening of July 15th 2014, both of us didn't feel our own 3rd and 2nd degree burns, but we cried out as loud as we could the names of our boys.....Zephy!......Noah!....
It was so hot that tears could not develop, we kept on screaming and calling their names.
I looked aside of me and saw one of the dog blankets asking if anyone standing aside (2 men) had water or a fire extinguisher to drench the blanket so I could run inside and save my 2 precious boys.
Noelle attempted several times to go inside, only seeing black smoke and at one attempt able to save one of our Pomeranians, then she ran back and it seemed like there was a wall of fire (which wasn't visible but surely felt) keeping her away from the open side door.
Before I didn't get any answer (about the blanket) I was ready to enter the house.......then I heard an order:, Don't go inside, you won't make it! They are already gone!'
Noelle and I looked each other in the eyes and knew it was time accept that we did everything in our own power to save Zephy and Noah.
We were directed to the Sheriff's Deputy that was able to produce tears and who we have known since we moved to Wyoming, he seemed to produce our tears when I told him that Zephy and Noah were still in the house. The house was completely in flames within 2-4 minutes.
The ambulance arrived, fire trucks arrived , sirens were going, there was chaos and panic at least in my mind, still thinking I was having a bad dream and this was not real, it was just a nightmare.
Noelle and I got separated due to our differences in burns, I had Remmy wrapped in blankets and sat on the stretcher in the ambulance looking through this tiny window seeing and hearing the tin roof separating from the log home itself....I will never forget that loud sound.
The ambulance was taking us to the hospital and still in my mind thinking it was a bad dream.
In the E.R. I got asked a million of questions, the nurses, chaplain, sheriff deputies etc.
Again I got separated but this time they took Remmy away from me......it was a very hard sight to give my son who was in a tremendous pain and screaming to the nurses.
The blinds of the E.R. room were still open when they put me in the outer room/area, I'm seeing dear friends in shock in prayer in the waiting room and stretched my hand out to the window letting them know I'm aware and appreciate their presence.
Immediately the nurses closed the blinds and again more questions got asked, I probably didn't rationally answer them all envisioning my house on fire, my sons in the house, and smelling the smell of the burned clothing that I was wearing, still thinking it was a bad nightmare.
I see my Pastor walking up to me, felt relieve and can't remember much of what I shared with him, but saw tears in my Pastors eyes.
Suddenly I was given paperwork I had to sign and after signing, got undressed, was put on a stretcher and saw my friend the Sheriff's Deputy, he asked me what he could do, I remembered that he had a co-worker whose wife is Dutch, if he could ask her if she could call my mother and let her know what was going on, since my mother doesn't speak any English.
I was told Remmy and I were going to be life flighted due to our severity of burns but also the fear that I singed airways or lungs.
I wanted to see Noelle, Beanie and Able before I go, I asked them friendly, I saw Able drawing, Beanie clinging a lady we didn't know (but now we see as a dear friend), Noelle was taken care of by nurses and still in shock.
Then, I was put on a stretcher, bright light aimed at my face, next thing I woke up in SLC in the Burn Unit and felt a catheter was put in.
I turned slowly and saw one of our elders (who became a good friend) on the couch next to my bed.
The first thing I wanted to do when I was capable to speak, think and had enough strength to move see Remmy, It finally came to me that I wasn't dreaming but my worst nightmare had become reality.
When the nurses were able to move me into a wheelchair I went to Remmy's Room in the same Unit, there he was, my 10 month old son laying in a small hospital bed (crib), wrapped in oozing bandages, swollen, intubated (where a machine does the breathing for you) almost life-less, beeping monitors, I.V.'s, but luckily there was also someone singing to him and holding his hand (the elder's wife).
Everything came to the realization  that I needed to cry, I cried so hard, I think I even had to throw up, since so much emotion became one finally one expression of pain.
Everyone in our room cried, my friends (the elders) but also the nursing staff cried along with us.

Doesn't it say in the Psalms somewhere that God preserves every tear, none of our sufferings is in vain????