Interview for Dutch Magazine E.O Visie translated into English

This story is translated from an interview for a Dutch Christian Magazine called the E.O. Visie
written by journalist Gert-Jan Schaap......both Gert-Jan and the E.O. visie said it's alright to use
this article.
Please feel free to contact me if you have more questions or need more info.
Kindest regards,
Feike van Dijk.

19 March 2016 in the file of EO Visie

`Our boys are now in a place without any
pain
By a fire Feike van Dijk lost 2 of his children.
On a summer day in 2014, Feike van Dijk lost not only his log home in
Lander (Wyoming, the US), but also 2 of his children. He and his American
wife Noelle did not succeed saving Zephy (4) and Noah (2) from the
sudden fire sea. Now Feike follows the training to become a fireman. ‘With
that I want honor my boys’.
I ran to our burning house while Noelle desperately tried to enter her way
inside but due to the extensive heat and black smoke after many attempts it
was impossible to find them. We’re standing beside each other and a wall of
heat pressed us back while we try to enter again. We shout their names.
“Zephy, Noah” and we were able to hear them both. They scream out to us,
and cough. If I once again try enter to try to find them, I hear a voice - of God,
an angel, or someone else? `The boys are there no longer; if you go inside,
you won’t be there also no longer. Do not go! Suddenly it is if everything is
silent, it became as if everything was standing still. Noelle and I looked at
each other, we are about three or 2 minutes into the moment we noticed the
fire. We didn’t hear the boys no longer, anymore. We realized: it is over, we
lost the fight, and we lost them.

If you want sleep
On the day of this interview it has been a year and some months that this
inconceivable tragedy took place, on 15 July 2014. Feike (1980) changed gear
unconsciously over to the present time of this memory. Then, he is hearing,
smelling, and seeing it all over again.
With his oldest son able (6) he is spending a couple of weeks in his place of
birth Almelo the Netherlands, because his older brother is getting married.
We are sitting at the white kitchen table in his mother’s house. Feike rubs his
large hands in an emotional way in his face. It is very difficult to get it from
your memory. The voices and the sounds of the boys, and sound of the fire.
Fire roars and makes a noise. The fragrances of the black smoke clouds,
which were everywhere. The images. He shakes his head. We get medication
to oppress it. But it remains heavy. You no longer want to think of what has
happened, but it is not possible to forget. Often at moments of rest, if you
want sleep, or as Noelle and I am together talking about the children, all
those things return in a heavy matter. It takes a lot of effort to sleep.
The many nightmares we have, especially in the beginning. It is all still quite
fresh. Each day we see their faces.

As proud as a peacock

On September 2006 Feike married with the American Noelle Weimann, for
which he immigrated to the United States. Both were then 25 years old.
Noelle’s first pregnancy led to a miscarriage, but afterwards five children
were born: Able, Zephy, Noah and the twins Remmy and Beanie. I was way
proud, such as a peacock, Feike said. It was always my dream to have a large
family.
The young couple consciously established themselves in Lander, where
Noelle’s mother and brother also live. Superb surroundings: the Rocky
Mountains, lakes and forests, deserts and Native tribes. We wanted to live
this self-sustaining life as possible. Around our unwieldly home, a log home,
we had our own ducks, turkeys, chickens, dogs and a super-large vegetable
garden. I taught the oldest children to find their own food in the forest, such
as berries, vegetables, eggs, edible mushrooms.

Dark smoke clouds
On a hot but windy day, Tuesday 15 July 2014. Feike and Noelle were feeding
the then 9 month old twins (“mashed bananas”). The AC was buzzing. Able
was hanging out in the living room, while Noah and Zephy were else-were
playing in the house together. “Suddenly Able looks up and asked: ‘Daddy,
what is that?’ He pointed at the playground next to our house, dark clouds
were passing by. I thought first, that there was a heavy diesel truck that drove
by, but walking to the front door and looking through a glass opening, I saw
flames.
Rapidly Feike found the red fire extinguisher from the kitchen, kicked the
door open - and was immediately blown by smoke draft: fire, smoke and heat.
Burns on his head and hands developed quickly. `We must go! He shouted.
In an urge Feike grabbed twins from their baby chairs. Remmy screamed
because the heat of the fire had reached his head, arms and legs already.
Able ran by himself to the backdoor. Feike – with the twins under his arms
–Noelle followed, screamed for help. I thought that Noah and Zephy were
behind us. But outside Feike only saw Able and Noelle next to the twins
under his arms.

`Hair singed
After Feike turned around when running away from the house, he noticed
that the complete front of their house burned, like a torch. With tears in the
wells of the eyes, he continues: Noelle and I have tried several times to enter
the burning house, but it didn’t go very well. It wasn’t simple at all! We knew
the possible location of where the children were, and heard them still, but we
couldn’t find them: the house was fully in flames within two, three minutes
since we noticed it. Our hairs singed, our eyebrows, nose and ears had
burned, because we were that close to the fire. But we failed getting them
out of the house. He closes his eyes, and is silent for a long moment. Remmy
and Feike received first aid in the first ambulance. Whereas the firefighter
engines arrived on the property with howling sirens, as he is laying on the
ambulance stretcher in shock and with crying Remmy on lap, I heard an
enormous detonation as the metal roof of our house flew into the air, curled
by inconceivable heat. The ground trembled. With complete certainty I knew
that the children were gone- once and for all.

Plastic surgeons
As Feike recovered in the hospital physically surprisingly well of his third
degree burns, baby Remmy was in a bad shape. Apart from his torso the fire
had violated his complete body. head skin, arms and legs. Third and fourth
degrees burns. Fourth degree burns mean that the fire has even reached on
to the bone.
Remmy is treated in a specialized Burn Unit of the hospital in Utah, where
Feike frequently continuous taking him to for more procedures. But how
advanced the doctors and plastic surgeons are nowadays, the scars will
continue to be visible - and the memories to go with that terrible summer
day continuous directing its own life.
Without God… I do not think that Noelle and I would still be together, or will
be able to have survived this incredible suffering, says Feike. We are
continued to live in this nightmare.
You don’t want to think of what has happened no longer, but it is not possible
to stop thinking about it.

It is not our fault
The psychiatrists who accompanies them, told Feike and Noelle that over
ninety percent of the couples who experience such a traumatic experience,
separate.
With us the opposite has happened, Feike says, with amazement in his voice.
We have grown closer to each other. Without faith you have been probably
more rapidly tended to give up on each other, and start to blame each other.
Why did God let this terrible thing happen? We try to leave those question in
His hands. How difficult that sometimes happens to be.
Feike and Noelle must forgive themselves and each other daily, continue to
do so. That sounds perhaps bizarre. But we must say each day: it is not our
fault, we couldn’t do anything to have prevented this. We also believe it isn’t
God who caused it. There is nobody to blame. This question comes to him
more than once: `Did I do everything to save my children? I could not have
saved the boys, and if I (myself) did die in that fire to have saved the boys, I
really would have done it. Frequently these questions pop up: `If I had done
it differently, were the boys still okay?… But those are ideas and thought
processes to which I do not have to admit or give up to. Noelle and I have
had professional help and search for ways to come through. All honor to God
that we still have each other. And that we are still together, for ourselves and
for the children.

`I’ll see you soon
Initially Noelle wanted to leave the spot of the misfortune, she wanted to
leave Lander, Wyoming and leave the Country, this way she could be as far as
possible away and try to leave it all behind , by emigrating to the Netherlands
to try and make a new start there – as a defeated family -.
Feike wanted to remain in Lander. After many prayers and after many
conversations, Noelle decided that this indeed was the best thing to do. By
leaving behind everything? What would we solve with that? Feike spread out
his hands and said: ‘Nothing’. Moreover: in Lander we have this caring and
compassionate community they also have been hurt by our tragedy, they
have helped us enormously after the fire. Straight through the pain we have
to continue: that was according to him the fastest way (it will still be a long
and painful journey) to heal the deep wounds.
Meanwhile they have been able to purchase a new house. They lived
somewhat outside the village, but now in the middle of this small community.
Because the location of the burned house is on a main road, Feike has to
drive by it pretty frequently. He then frequently stares at the black spot
where the house once was, which opens many doors to the past in his
memory. And then he prays to his Heavenly Father. Childlike perhaps, but I
always hope that Noah and Zephy listen. And then I also talk to them: `Boys, I
love you so much. I’m in so much pain, I regret and I’m sorry that I wasn’t
capable to save you, but… I will see you again….soon. Something like that.

A personal demon
Continuing to live in the area where the tragedy happened, is one thing. But
Feike went a step further. On a day he shared with his family that he wants to
submit an application for the local fire department. Noelle and Able didn’t
understand why, (Able cried the first time that I went to a training), but my
decision was certain. As a fireman I can gain something where I couldn’t win
or defeat the fire that caused such a damage in my life: he explains fire, it is
personal demon for me. The most important thing for me is that, if there is
another tragic fire incident that I can stand in between the fire and the hurt
people.”
It were the men from his department - all fathers - who stood at the
smoldering remainders of his house on Lyons valley road (how the fire
exactly started, has never been clear). They had to find and see the boys, who
were under the ashes, them having these images of my lifeless, burned boys.
That is… incredibly difficult.
Such as in the American army chaplains (say mental and spiritual caretakers),
Feike hopes to become a chaplain within his Fire Department and First
Respond Teams in his community. To be able to assist people not only
practical, but also mental, emotional and spiritually is was I’m geared to do.
Not that I have all the answers. But my negative and painful experiences can
be used to help, to give it a positive turn somewhere and somehow, how
difficult that also can be. So many people who suffer tragedy experiences
themselves, question in a bitter way: `Why does this happen to me? There
are many that blame God – I also blamed God in the beginning. But others
continue to believe in spite of their unanswered questions: `God, you are
with me, above me and behind me. Noelle and I have learned to walk with
Him again and believe that God was there. We want to continue to serve
Him. To me, it also applies that I want to honor the boys this way. I
sometimes imagine that Noah and Zephy look down from the sky at me, they
put their thumbs up and say: `Papa, we are proud of you, you’re doing a
great job, when I am called to protect others being a fire fighter.
To fight or to flight is the response, to run away from the confrontation, is an
understandable, human response. But fire is not the boss over me, it won’t
control the rest of my life. He looks up indicating: One is the Boss concerning
everything.
To fight or flight, that is always the daily choice.

A double rainbow
Our hope is that we will be reunited with the boys one day, knowing the
answer without doubt what happens after life is what keeps us going.
In certainty knowing that they are in good hands, at a place without pain,
gives us often some much needed peace.
A family member of a friend of Feike and Noelle made a drawing that reflects
the same hope. You see Jesus, with a smiling Noah and Zephy on his lap.
Above them a double rainbow. It is incredible how many double rainbows
we’ve seen since the fire happened, Feike explains. For example I was just
discharged from the Burn Unit in Salt Lake City; the family including my Dutch

family was with me in Salt Lake City eating dinner. Suddenly it started to rain
heavily, out of nowhere. Able – then 5 years old - noticed a double a rainbow
in the sky. `Daddy, mummy, look! he said. `Zephy and Noah asked God if he
could make a sign to let you know that everything is well with them.
Feike grabbed for his phone and shows me a family picture, one where Noah
and Zephy are smiling into the camera. This was on the evening of the 4 th of
July, a large celebration and holiday in America. From our property you could
see the fire-works above Lander. We had built a small campfire, made
s’mores, and put a tent up. Able took this photograph. We didn’t know yet
that this would be their last photograph together. Eleven days later… Feike
swept his eyes dry, looking at Noah and Zephy in this picture, whispers
gently: ‘my handsome boys.’


Loveforthevandijks.blogspot.nl
Twitter: @FeikevanDijk

Healing continues to be a long and tough process.

It's been over half a year that I posted a new article on this blog and so many amazing, wonderful, scary and emotional things happened, I've been quite overwhelmed with a large variety of different things that kept me busy over that half year but found out it's about time to write something again.
Being that the tragedy happened over a year and a half ago, I've heard some people say that they expect that most of my grieving and mourning process should be over. Well, I have to tell those individuals that it's not even close to being over. It seems to be a reality instead of a "dream" more & more and the wish that it all was a nightmare is present continuously.
Able, Beanie and Remmy are growing up way to fast and I see so many glimpses of Zephy and Noah in them. It's quite hard to see the twins interact with others, their facial expressions, sitting pose because of similarities.....Remmy makes cute noises when he wants to cuddle or needs attention which Noah used to do, Beanie is very sensitive and talks with a slight lisp like Zephy used to do.
Being reminded of the two boys that were taken away too early due to an event that is still imprinted in my mind and heart isn't always an easy thing, although sometimes being reminded by their specific habits and trades occasionally give me a feeling that the two boys are still with me in some sort of a way. It is hard to describe but sometimes it seems God is telling me something, why do these little but obvious things remind me of them so much.
An obvious sign of where I'm at with my healing process is when I see a young child (often blond and build like any of my two boys) playing with their father, doing something that I frequently use to do with the boys, first I become happy, then sad and then angry, many times asking God why, while tears roll over my face. I sometimes feel the courage to ask the father how old the child is and it gives me the opportunity to interact with the child and the father. Memories fly by, which make me smile in first instance and then miss them even more.
Another sign of where I'm at with my healing process indicates with one of my hobbies I used to have, I used to love going to movies, watch action movies and thrillers.
Now it makes me sick to my stomach how Hollywood can use death, tragedy, fire, loss of a child or loved one or even emotional or physical pain into something that gets great reviews. All these terrible things are seen by pain to many individuals while others are entertained by these visual images which can be realistic nightmares for others. Nowadays I don't have cable anymore and watch kids Netflix movie and shows with the kids since that won't trigger any bad emotions or bring pain to the surface, anyone ever heard of my kids favorite show Octonauts?

Seeing Remmy grow into a toddler is wonderful, but with that growth his burn scars are also developing. It appears he's having more pain then before also since his pain medication is scheduled at specific times, we can see it wearing off, he'll hit the burned side of his head hard while screaming.
Quite regularly he points at his legs and says mommy/daddy auwe, knowing that we will massage the scars on his legs often with lotion specially made for Remmy.
Due to Rem's quick development in growth the doctors scheduled surgeries on his burned head upcoming Monday February 29th 7:15AM,
The last time this same surgery was done on Remmy about half a year ago, we again experienced the fear of loosing him. He ended up with 2 infections under the burns and we had to leave his little body in Gods hands, it was so scary that Noelle said "goodbye" when Remmy and I left to SLC in urgency, a goodbye we've never been really able to say to Zephy and Noah,
Remmy showed signs and symptoms of an infection by becoming lethargic at moments, not wanting to eat or drink and high sky high fevers between 104 and 106 degrees. Noelle and I did everything to reduce the fevers and tried every way possible in the book to at least drink fluids. Both of us aren't individuals that go to doctors unless it's really necessary, the same with our kids, we've worked in healthcare for quite some years and would first do everything we can do ourselves to help our children until we have no idea, understanding or control over the issue.
So, we took him to the ER and somehow the specialists thought the pressure behind Remmy's ears was the right indication of him having a simple ear infection, we tried our very best to explain that we thought it was related to the expanders placed under his burn scar but instead we were send home with antibiotics for his ear-infection and a simple fever reducer.
No other medical issues or concerns were covered and not even blood work (CBC) got ordered or done.
Throughout the whole night Remmy was having spiked fevers that went up to 106 degrees, inflammation started to become visible and eventually his eyelids were shut due to the fluid build up.
Early in the morning, I got a hold of Remmy's pediatrician and asked if he could see Remmy immediately, thand begged Him to spare us from more pain and suffering and spare Remmy's fragile body.at it's urgent and also explained to him what the hospital did since he already visited the ER. Finally there was an individual that listened and looked at all possibilities, he was baffled that the diagnosis was an ear infection since ever screaming and upset child will show an extensive amount of pressure behind the ears, he looked and saw nothing unusual, another thing the pediatrician was surprised about was that the ER Docs didn't rule anything else out by ordering a simple CBC (bloodwork) to make sure that they didn't miss anything and since Remmy's history is different they should have at least done a CBC.
Within an hour after the CBC came back with a sky-high amount of white blood counts, I received a phone call Remmy needed immediate care and surgery in SLC.
Driving my car for the next 5 hours with a dead-sick child I prayed to God to spare Rem from more pain and suffering and begged Him to heal his fragile body, but also to bring peace in my mind and heart. I cried for all the 5 hours on my way to the Hospital in SLC and asked God also when the aftermath of our house fire tragedy would finally stop. I questioned; will you take another child away from us? Why do we deserve this? A sudden peace came over me when we arrived at the hospital, remarkable it was. 3 days after surgery the cultures came back showing 2 infections MRSA and STAPH, I almost lost my child if it would have gotten septic, it was showing signs it was spreading quick with the inflammation in his body.
I'm thankful I still have Remmy in my life, but the fear to loose him is also present, since Monday he'll undergo the same procedure. That the surgery will be helping Remmy in the long run is the reason why this needs to happen. I would like to ask your help to pray for Remmy, the specialists and our family, that we will find peace again, and instead of fear that we will have faith that everything will go well.

Gofundme:
Outside of the medical expenses, the cost of travel, lodging and meals will add up.
They are blessed to stay at the Ronald McDonald House which is a welcoming home for parents and family that have children either in critical conditions or are at the hospital for an extended time. The Ronald McDonald House only charges $20 a day for lodging and approximately one meal a day.
https://www.gofundme.com/RemmyRoad
The  Gofundme campaign above was established  to help aid the financial burden on Remmy and his beautiful family. A separate Gofundme Campaign is also running  for the entire Van Dijk family to assist in getting back on their feet.

http://www.gofundme.com/loveforthevandijks

July 15 our 1st "anniversary" date

  “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”2 Corinthians 4:16-18

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”Romans 8:18 

Verses like the ones mentioned above give me strength and the will to continue, to keep fighting the inner emotional battle I have to understand that one day I will not suffer anymore, one day I will be reunited with my kids and won't be sad, one day we will be together.

It's getting closer to the date when it all happened, July 15th is the day of the tragedy and I'm spending since June 30th my time again at the Ronald mc Donalds House in SLC.
It's been very hard emotionally and bitter sweet to spend the 4th of July and up till July 15th in SLC again just being reminded of the aftermath of the tragedy.
To be honest I have no clue how I would have dealt with spending the 4th in Lander this year, since I have very strong memories spending the time with the whole family and the joy we had that day.
It's been hard as I'm mentally counting off the days for the "burniversary" as burn survivors call it.
Luckily we planned a -2 week trip to Connecticut prior to our visit to SLC, to charge mentally and emotionally by visiting our long time friends and family in Nebraska, Chicago, Pennsylvania, Connecticut and even Massachusetts.



Both Noelle and I took the challenge to drive our Toyota Camry for 4300+ Miles with 21 month old twins, a 6 year old and a Pomeranian and build new amazing memories.
The kids had a blast outside of the long, looooooong car ride and were exposed to our family and friends that poured out love and prayer which gave us strength, they were exposed to the ocean, Dunkin Donuts, Baskin & Robbins, New Haven Pizza, Cannoli's, Sail boats and a lot more.
We felt refreshed, ready to fight the next chapter of our lives, up to SLC.
Arrived in Laramie after a 19hr drive Noelle and I separated ways, she and Beanie running the fort & Global Arts @ home in Lander, Wyoming and Remmy, Able & I heading to the Ronald mc Donald House and Hospital in SLC.

Back to SLC to work on Remmy's burns.
As most of you know Remmy suffered from 3rd and 4th degree burns on over 30 +% of his scalp and face. In burns of this degree as well as on grafted area's, the hair follicle will no longer be able to produce hair. Which will leave this precious boy with disfiguring scars. Remmy's medical team has approved him for Tissue Expansion Reconstruction of the Scalp.

A clear explanation about the specific procedure: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2884702/
These series of surgeries will leave Remmy with a full head of hair and most important, minimize immensely the scars he bears.
At this point it is unclear if he will need double or triple expansions. Each expansion includes multiple surgeries.
Through the tissue expanders (saline bags which are placed under the skin) the skin with hair still attached will be stretched to cover the effected area. The residue burn scar skin will then be removed.
the surgeries will take place in several stages, each stage consisting of 2 week intervals.
There are several dangers affiliated with this surgery. These dangers include a possibility that the bags can leak or explode, infections can occur at the surgery site or worst case, the bags can cause too much pressure on the brain.

But on the brighter side of things, I am happy to take my 2 boys (Able & Remmy) to SLC so we can do fun things while Remmy has his Doctors visits and surgery scheduled in these 2 weeks. We went to the Minion Movie Red Carpet Premiere (sponsored by Universal Studio's, Hershey & Mc Donald's) we were able to watch the movie before it's even out in the Theatre's, also we were again blessed with a trip to see the Utah Jazz playing a game against the Spurs and Celtics vs 76'ers, even today a meet and greet with a famous Football player Zane Beadles (former Broncos now Jaguars offensive lineman).
The Ronald mc Donald House continues spoiling their residents again with great activities, like my dad says 'Their burgers and food are disgusting and a joke but their cause with these houses makes me look at a different perspective at their donation boxes in their fast-food joints'. Personally for me it's therapeutic to spend as much time with Able & Remmy as possible to build new wonderful memories. Next to the amazing activities and meals made by the volunteers, the RMH gives parents a little break since they have all kinds of things to do for the kids in house. Also you are not alone as a parents since all the other parents go through similar things including hospitalized and loss of their children.
I talk often with Able about Zeph & Noah which helps me and hopefully him too to cope with our loss, it's noticeable that he misses his best friends he ever had. 
We talk about the fun times, the naughty times, the joy, the tears, the fights and memorable times.
I just want it to be that Zeph & Noah will never be forgotten and Rem & Beanie know that they had some amazing brother's, some times I wonder what they remember or if they were too young.
But then again often Beanie and Remmy point at pictures or point at someone who looks like one of their brothers and mentions their names.

It continues to be a battle to wake up and put that smile on your face looking forward for the day to come. But we are destined to continue to thrive and be there for our own kids, being amazing and loving parents.
I choose not to fill the gap, the sore spot, the empty hole with an addiction or negative source (like depression) but by the grace of God to fill it with His love for us and something I can reflect to my kids and the rest of the world.
I want to live my life fully, expanding horizons, love, endure, fight, finding meaningful reasons to use ALL of my life lessons into my life's purpose.
I want to reflect life, love, peace, joy, passion and more.
As Viktor Frankl says:

For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.

 

Remmy's last appointment in these two weeks is July 14th and I plan to be back in Lander the 15th so I can be there physically, not that I really want to, but feel that I need to.
I know it's going to be a very hard day, but I believe if we are all together we can make it through by the Grace of God.

Although we are able to run our own business and were able to travel to the  East Coast (by car and staying with friends and family since that saved us quite some money instead hotels and air fairs).
We still have to deal with the many continues medical expenses of the aftermath of the tragedy which includes specialist visits, medication to deal with our trauma and more.
There is a Gofundme account set aside for us to get back on our feet again and was set up the night of the tragedy.  http://www.gofundme.com/loveforthevandijks
Also specially for Remmy's recovery on his burns dear friends of our set up a different Gofundme account that outside of the medical expenses, it will cover the cost of travel (up and down to SLC), lodging and meals which adds up pretty quickly. http://www.gofundme.com/remmyroad

If you have it on your heart we'd appreciate you donating to these accounts or contact Central Bank & Trust in Lander (307) 332-4730 so there won't be taken out a 5% fee as in Gofundme

Noelle summed up in a very beautiful way how thankful we as a family are to have you all in our lives....Over the last 3 months I have been experiencing true love in the deepest parts of my heart.....from our Creator but echoed to me through all of you. I am now ever aware that we are all connected, each one of us. And that when God allows us to live though a catastrophe and simultaneously allows others to die.... It truly becomes a daily question, why am I still here? What more am I to do according to His will? For the longest time it hurt that I couldn't answ...er people's questions about 'how we are doing' because the depth of that question is impossible at times. ...in fact all the time. But today is good. And I have amazing choices to make this string of moments....I just want to say this also....I notice the beautiful and kind and selfless things YOU my beautiful friends and family are doing for our family and others. And if you ever doubt that others don't see .....Remember that God is always listening always watching and always smiling upon your good works, your beautiful heart, your loving prayers. You are beautiful all of you, and one day we will all see the beauty of the love we showed ourselves and others in this life. Cont the good fight friends as your love has preserved ME and countless others. We are often called strong but remember it was YOU who picked us up. YOU who fed us YOU who clothed us YOU who ushered Gods peace by prayer, a hug, a cup of coffee. I have more faith in humanity being made in the image of God than I ever have had in my life. I love you and I thank you for loving me and ours. And I encourage you to see the beautiful things you and others are doing every day for one day you will put on these blessings like robes and precious jewels as we go home to our maker ......the one we make smile♥

To flee or to fight!

It's been a while that I wrote a blog, next to procrastinating I've been quite busy with so many things, from figuring out how we as a family will visit our friends and family on the East Coast this summer to how we're going to manage to be at my brother's wedding in the Netherlands in October.
From running our new store to training to become a fire fighter.
I've had many moments of giving up, to disappear, to run, to hide, to move to a different State or even a different Country.

Facing my daily "demons" isn't an easy thing, but also to flee away from it isn't going to help anything either. It's hard not to be angry, hard not to be bitter and upset and I personally think it's fine......I'm at least communicating about it in physical, vocal and expressive matter.
I faced a wide variety of trials that led back to back flashes of what happened the night of July 15, it's been over 10 months ago and it still feels like it was just one month ago.

Conquering the force that caused the damage.
About 4 weeks ago I was in Cody to train at the fire school and it was tough, it was tough to be surrounded by fire fighters and not to think about my boys, I got reminded by so many sensory factors, I was most of the time in my bunkers, smelled smoke, heard sirens, saw fire fighters in action....I could only think .....If I could only, If I only knew what I know now.....I could have.....saved them. With tears in my eyes I called out their names many times during the training; Zephy, Noah ....I miss you, daddy is so sorry he couldn't save you.

I applied to become a fire fighter for many reasons, and one of them is that I don't want anyone in my community to experience what I do, I want to fight, I want to save, I want to help.....there where I couldn't before, I will hopefully now.
I really want to redeem myself, not only because I continue to feel guilty or feel like I failed.

It's easy for me to build a wall so my emotions cannot escape, I rather put all that energy in something good, something useful. I could easily choose an addiction or something that will fill that empty spot in my heart with something that temporarily heals. But eventually it will tear me a part.
This is one of the many daily choices I make because I want to live, I don't want to live a depressed and angry life.

One example of me choosing to overcome my daily struggle: I choose to face the killer of my children from a different angle, I choose to become one of the hero's that will be able to cuss to yell and to destroy this killer with physical, spiritual and mental labor, I choose to become a fire fighter.

The unpredictable force that destroyed my life almost (I said almost), I am hoping that I will become one of those heroes that will prevent the fire that could ruin the life's of my community, I'm not wanting to fight it for an adrenaline kick, I just don't want anyone else to experience what I have to experience.

I hope I could become that pillar people want to rest on, I want to be able to be someone who is of a source of wisdom physically, psychologically and spiritually...someone who can be of help to someone who is dealing with loss or grief, someone who had to deal with fire being the source of their loss.

I hope that I could be there for the many fire fighters who are fathers and mothers and who have to deal with PTSD because they had to fight against fire that has killed and has destroyed.

Many other reasons are relative why I want to become a fire fighter, I love my community and wish nobody not even my worst enemies that they will go through the same thing as I do.

How I try to cope

Talking about my loss and grief or using ways to express seem to be working.

A friend of mine who hadn't seen me since the tragedy said that my eyes were speaking more then ever, they spoke that I was hurt, sad and broken inside, my eyes were sharing a story.

Luckily I do have some positive outlets where I can put my time and energy in to deal with my loss and grief like spending quality time with my kids, music, fishing, cooking, being at our new store to just call a few.

Loss of a loved one continues to be agonizing but I can also find strength in it, it totally depends on how I choose to deal with it.

I've considered many times to sit in a corner and due to my depression grow anger and bitterness, but I choose to be the father, the husband, the friend and the neighbor that is involved, hoping that I can be full of life and hopefully a roll model. My former co-workers commented to me that I was so much more different than before the tragedy, that I looked and sounded angry, I found that kind of a normal thing, and such a weird thing for others to be pointing out, it's quite normal that the jolly and foolish old me is extremely hurt and looks at life from a different perspective now. They insisted that I should find professional help to deal with my PTSD, I had a hard time finding someone locally since I knew all professionals and worked with them over the past 6 years, I didn't think anyone was able to work with a case like mine, it took a while for me to really understand it was myself and not the specialist who has to make the ability to work on my PTSD.

To flee or to fight

I felt that I had to make a choice to face my "demons", my fear, my depression, my anger, my loss, my grief and my emotions.

I have the control over how I wanted to be seen by the publics eyes.

I want to be seen as the father that continues to spend quality time with what I still have left on this earth, I want to be happy again, I want to enjoy my life again, although there are large pieces torn out of my heart, I want to smile again, enjoy my family again, enjoy the community, enjoy life again. 

My confrontation with death, being in a blazing fire, my 3rd degree burns, the realization that I could die of my burns the night of July 15th, the loss of most of my belongings, my house, the loss of my dear sons, the severe burns on my 9 month old twin boy, it makes everything look so precious, so sacred, so beautiful that I feel more strongly than ever the impulse to love it, to embrace it, and to let myself be overwhelmed by it. Somehow death and its ever present possibility makes love, passionate love, more possible. I continue to long for the day I will leave this earth, I occasionally wish for that day that I will be without the mental & physical pain.........but I know that time isn't here yet, I have still so much to live for. I'm just blessed that I have that sacred understanding that one day I will be reunited with Zephy & Noah again, that that day will come that I will not feel the pain anymore, that the day will come I will no longer have that fear again and my memory will be washed away because of all the beautiful things that will surround me.

It's a daily struggle for me to choose life above depression since it is haunting me.

Global Arts 
I learned that whatever struggle you have to go through in your life you can use it as a tool to help others, you can choose to use that experience to become the foundation of your calling, instead of it condemning you, you can use it to resurrect you.

I also know and feel that something larger and bigger then anything else is watching over me, giving me strength to continue and to go on, I don't feel alone in this, I feel like I'm carried in prayer.

Noelle and I are blessed that because of many people's prayers, financial, physical and material help we can continue and start over again, I finally have a job again (since October is a very long time)...being self employed owning Global arts (since May 1st) we can hopefully do something back for our community.

Since we opened GlobalArts I have been able to share to many visitors and customers at the gallery a story about a painting painted by Melissa Strickler, it's called shadowlands and it's a collage made out of photography, magazine/newspaper articles, wasp nest, church window glass, watercolor, oil paint and a lot more.

It is a very spiritual piece that the painter wants to share that there is always someone watching over you in the darkest moments of your life.

I noticed that this painting has spoken not only to me but also many other people coming in the gallery, feel free to look at it and share/comments how this painting speaks to you and what you see.

Noelle started picking up making art again and I'm amongst the community trying to make the customers and visitors happy, for both of us this has a very therapeutic effect.

Counting the blessings.....

For quite a while I've been angry, angry that I lost my sons, angry that this had to happen to my children, angry that this tragedy had to happen to my family, angry at myself that I could have been the cause of the tragedy, angry that I couldn't save all my children, angry that some people didn't care, some people were ruthless to say that they didn't care, it was pain that had to develop and is still developing.
Pain that is covering the surface of my emotional well being, people even said that I looked different then before the tragedy, acted different, but what would you expect?
Would you expect the jolly old me, just acting that this tragedy didn't hurt my inner core, my heart, my emotion, my spirit.

In the midst was a dear friend, who has been a mother to me for many years, she traveled all the way from the East Coast and stayed, helped out when help was definitely needed since both me and Noelle were acting like zombies from "the Walking Dead" TV show, she would say.... Feike, do you see there is so much favor?
I could see but I could not feel, they could say, but I could not hear....the tragedy had such an impact that I was blinded to see, the lack of sleep, the overwhelming amount of emotion, the pain, the anger, the lonesomeness, the depression, the medications, it all took the man out of me.
Slowly I am able to forgive myself, forgive the people that don't care, slowly I'm working on the ability to see, to hear and to feel again.
I know that there have been tons and tons of favor or as many other people say blessings, but actually, seeing, hearing, feeling and understanding was another step in my time of grief.

We are so extremely thankful for our community, friends, family, former students of mine, class mates, church family here in Lander Wy, on the East Coast, in the Netherlands and people we don't even know but heard our story and wanted to get involved,  and have helped us out to start all over again.
The monetary help, the prayers, the logistic help, the practical help, the medical help, the first responders on the scene, the Burn Unit in SLC, the Shoshone tribe, my co-workers and our ex co-workers and I can go on.
It's been incredible how people intensively have been there to help our family out with all these things and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
We had to start all over again and you all have been such an incredible help.
We were able to purchase a house which we can call our home and we will start new memories with the family here.
But we also were able to start our own business, May 1st we will be the brand spanking new owners of Global Arts in Lander http://www.globalartslander.com/, https://www.facebook.com/globalartslander
It is such an interesting story to tell; Noelle has always wanted to do more with her art degrees and I love promoting, marketing and sales, both our parents have owned art/antique stores, so we kind of grew up with knowledge and understanding.
I lost my job last year and this is giving us a fresh outlook on things since we have lived off  my unemployment and Noelle and I can rotate schedules running the business and still spend a lot of time with our kids.
We are thankful that there is a possibility for us to look into our future with a smile on our face now.

People from all different corners are continuous helping us 8 months after the tragedy, with gift cards, dropping food off at our doorsteps, neighbors dropping cookies, books and clothes off etc.
Even last week, Remmy and I had to go through our regular amount of visits with medical specialists in SLC and upon arrival at the wonderful Ronald Mc Donald House there were Utah Jazz tickets with Parking, Dinner, half time food/drinks and meet & greet with Memo Okur all donated by the humble friendly giant Jazz basket player Derrick Favors (he's a RMcD Ambassador).
It was a great way to end our visit (which drains a lot of energy out of both of us) to SLC, Remmy was 1st scared of the loud noises but within minutes he was yelling and doing the wave himself.
Blessed beyond words since the RMcD House and Favs set this one up....they made all these energy sucking visits to the specialists this last week worthwhile.

Remmy is doing great, his face scarring will be reduced by a special mask designed for him, his arm and leg scars also will fade by wearing special compression garments.

Remmy is still taking medications for nerve pains and itchy-ness but has been off narcotics for a little while and he's been doing very well considering the burn injuries he's had.
He's is such a strong boy but at the same time full of life and joy, he loves to sing and be funny.
Remmy is going back into surgery in July and then in August, he has to get re-intubated and probably will receive narcotics.
We are not really looking forward to that process but think it will be better for him to get this all done now that later in his life.

Beanie is a great character, she's such a little princess, she's got little diva moments, but also loves to cuddle and wrestle. She is with most things a step ahead of Remmy, but what would you expect she is the 3 minute older twin sister and it's definitely visible.

Able is doing great at kindergarten, he gets along with his classmates, he's got a lot of  A's a couple B's......Loves Star Wars and Math is his favorite thing and he's really good at it, he's somewhat a geek which surprises Noelle and me not knowing where that comes from.
Able wants to become an Astronaut....

Noelle and I are looking forward to make new steps, since we have been grieving about our loss we've been growing closer to each other in many ways but also had tough moments.
We will be attending couples therapy in a different state soon since we have had to cancel it due to unexpected illnesses and circumstances (Noelle had Pneumonia while I was in SLC, but she is getting better by the day.) The Burn Unit in SLC also has special designed camps for different age groups to help individuals dealing with their loss and with their wounds.
Noelle and I have been invited to partake with professional staff and other burn victims in a camp rafting the Colorado River in September.
These camps are funded by an annual auction https://myab.co/events/u3/
I'll also partake in a spiritual journey climbing the Rockies and the Mount of the Holy Cross in Colorado this summer with climbers from Lander.

One huge thing that has happened is also that I applied for being a part of the Lander Volunteer Fire Squad, I will be as an intern training amongst local heroes fighting my own demons, but at the same time I'm hoping I'll be helping them in many ways.
Able 1st was afraid and angry when he heard about my plans becoming a fire fighter but after I explained to him why I wanted to do this he understood.
He even said a couple of weeks ago he wanted to become just like me......and also become a fire fighter.

There is so much ahead of us and we are thriving as a family and want to thank you for all of your help and prayers, we love ya'll...

The show must go on!

While sitting in a sofa, sipping on a hot toddy (seems the best remedy, since everyone in the family has had a stomach bug this week, except for me) listening to the lullabies from the babies room, I finally have the time to write this blog.
Noelle is in SLC picking up a College room mate and spending some time in SLC before or after heading to Wyoming when the next snow storm has hit Lander's soil.
I've felt empty the last couple days, drained of quite a lot of energy.....maybe it's because there is a change of PTSD and sleeping medication and I haven't slept much, but I also haven't had much time not thinking about Zephy and Noah....It hurts so much just trying to imagine their faces, their smiles and laughter. We've been busy moving into our new house, which we have been able to purchase, thankfully due to the many blessings of the many readers of this blog.
I was also finally ready (had kept it quiet for a while) to share with the "Facebook" world that I've been terminated from my job which I've wanted for about 10 yrs, I lost that job since October 5th.
I am not ready to share how and why I got terminated but I can tell you it was ugly and painful.
Also the professionals that have been seeing us haven't seen a penny from our insurance (which is through my former employer) the professionals could easily decline our visits to them, if the insurance keeps on postponing payments to the psychiatrists, is this going to help any of our mention/psychological and emotional healing has been the rhetorical question on my mind.
I've been applying for jobs and have been declined, even one email mentioned without any reason that I was ineligible. All of this makes it harder, since I strongly belief that I was meant to be the provider for my family. I've slid and have fallen but never given up, we will get out of this mess, or has it been a blessing in disguise, we've had it rough emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically since the night of July 15th but have still a long road ahead of us.
Sometimes it feels like all struggle falls at once; or wait, is there still more to come, even my former co-workers from my last job that I once saw as friends and at one time were a big help through this tragedy and before the tragedy seem afraid that they are loosing their jobs if they continue being friends with me, so somehow they all quit contacting me since October 5th.....
I'm also quite clueless about the future, what direction should I go, what career steps should I take etc?
The first steps we have been taken over the last week or so, where quite a lot of important decisions ahead of us, including the beautiful but almost 100 year old house we purchased and Remmy's surgery dates in July and August, also in August I am already preparing the climb to the Mountain of the Holy Cross, which will be a spiritual journey I'll take at 14009 Feet that is 4270 m for the non Americans reading this.

First of, I should not have started the subject with "the show must go on" although sometimes it feels like that I live like Jim Carey in the Truman show......it's like everything I've gone through since July has been a TV set.....but maybe it's more like "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" also a Jim Carey Movie but one of his more serious roles. If you haven't seen that movie, it's worth it, it's a good thinker.
The title or subject line should actually say "and Life just goes on!"

2 Corinthians 4-16:18
Explains it's easy to loose heart and quit, many of us have faced problems in our relationships, work and other places in our lives that have caused us to think to give up.
Rather then quitting when persecution wore him down , Paul himself concentrated on the inner strength that came from the Holy spirit.


Don't let fatigue, pain or criticism force you of the job, instead renew your commitment to serving Christ. Don't forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of today's pain, your very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen you moment by moment.
Our troubles should not diminish our faith or disillusion us. We should realize there is a greater purpose in our sufferings (which to be honest I still struggle with and do not understand all the time), they keep us beyond this brief life on earth, they give us the opportunity to prove our faith to others.
They give God open doorways to His plan, to be of help to others dealing with the same sort of pain and /or issues.

The ultimate hope when we experience pain is the realization that this life is not all there is, there is life after Death! Knowing that, we will live forever with the Creator our God without any more pain and suffering, this knowledge can help us to live above the pain that we face in this earthly life.

There are in life some tragedies too big for a heart to hold, and they defy any description that makes any sense. Loosing my house, belongings and most painful my two sons Zephy and Noah don't make any sense to me. I'm extremely grateful that this heart is shared with so many people in our community, my family and even people that I've never met before and heard about our story.
I'm above all grateful for God, giving me the strength to go on........and to keep looking further into our future.

www.loveforthevandijks.info

                                                            The Real Nacho Libre!!

Big Boys should Cry!

As a young child I was taught just like many other children not to cry, "to be a big boy" about that scrape, cut, people teasing you etc.
Tears, crying nowadays especially in men's perspective is seen as a sign of weakness.
Do you remember your dad, brothers, parents or even the media ever say: real men don't cry!?
We men are taught in our society that we are not meant to cry, we are meant to be strong, independent and emotionless almost like robots, it's an illusion and it's a lie.

I just had a very tough week behind me, I'm burdened with pain......have had a hard time forgiving myself, feeling that I've not been the father to my children prior to the fire, the husband I once was to Noelle, jobless and made it publicly known that I haven't been employed since November 5th.
I've been extremely tearful lately missing my sons, looking at our circumstances, but still knowing that there is favor.

As an artist/musician/social worker/activities director etc. I always have been an emotional person, able to catch or create an atmosphere were emotion was necessary but I never was the one that cried a lot. I was always attracted to the rough Wyoming life style because I always thought it would toughen me up a little more. But still until this day, people may know that I cry when I tap the head of a fish or field dress the liveless animal that I shot minutes before.
I for instance did cry out my eye balls when I saw the 1st Ice age cartoon in 2002-2003 when at the end Manny the Mammoth after a long walk full of dangerous adventures gives the human baby back to his father, I was very touched by how they captured the love of this father to his son in a cartoon ending with a song of Rusted Root "send me on my way"......my friends looked at me like it was unreal, they saw this big guy crying over such a "silly" thing.

Noelle loves to go to the thrift shop and Lander has some great ones, about a month before the fire, she found a Bible, I was super stoked since I was not a big fan carrying around that huge black, hardcover, heavy book around to work and other places, no this was a good size (great letter type size) thin and leather cover bible but not until after 2 weeks before the accident I noticed the whole book of Job was missing (maybe that's why it was so light weight and thin)......But was this a sign?

In Job 16:19
We read in the book of Job that he cried and cried about all the misery that happened in his life
Job was afraid that God had abandoned him, yet he appealed directly to God (his Witness and Advocate) and to God's knowledge of his innocence. A witness is someone who has seen what has happened, and an advocate is like a lawyer who speaks on behalf of the plaintiff.
By using these terms, Job showed he had cast all his hope for any fair defense upon God in Heaven because he probably die before it happened on earth. (this is how I feel very connected with Job and his story). In the New Testament we learn that Jesus Christ Himself intercedes on our behalf :(Hebrews 7:25  and John 2:1).
Therefore we have nothing to fear........

Crying is a helpful part of our recovery process, tears are healing gifts from our God washing away our pain, clearing our souls.

Tears were unable to develop when both Noelle and I were standing & screaming while our log home on Lyons Valley was on fire the evening of July 15th 2014, both of us didn't feel our own 3rd and 2nd degree burns, but we cried out as loud as we could the names of our boys.....Zephy!......Noah!....
It was so hot that tears could not develop, we kept on screaming and calling their names.
I looked aside of me and saw one of the dog blankets asking if anyone standing aside (2 men) had water or a fire extinguisher to drench the blanket so I could run inside and save my 2 precious boys.
Noelle attempted several times to go inside, only seeing black smoke and at one attempt able to save one of our Pomeranians, then she ran back and it seemed like there was a wall of fire (which wasn't visible but surely felt) keeping her away from the open side door.
Before I didn't get any answer (about the blanket) I was ready to enter the house.......then I heard an order:, Don't go inside, you won't make it! They are already gone!'
Noelle and I looked each other in the eyes and knew it was time accept that we did everything in our own power to save Zephy and Noah.
We were directed to the Sheriff's Deputy that was able to produce tears and who we have known since we moved to Wyoming, he seemed to produce our tears when I told him that Zephy and Noah were still in the house. The house was completely in flames within 2-4 minutes.
The ambulance arrived, fire trucks arrived , sirens were going, there was chaos and panic at least in my mind, still thinking I was having a bad dream and this was not real, it was just a nightmare.
Noelle and I got separated due to our differences in burns, I had Remmy wrapped in blankets and sat on the stretcher in the ambulance looking through this tiny window seeing and hearing the tin roof separating from the log home itself....I will never forget that loud sound.
The ambulance was taking us to the hospital and still in my mind thinking it was a bad dream.
In the E.R. I got asked a million of questions, the nurses, chaplain, sheriff deputies etc.
Again I got separated but this time they took Remmy away from me......it was a very hard sight to give my son who was in a tremendous pain and screaming to the nurses.
The blinds of the E.R. room were still open when they put me in the outer room/area, I'm seeing dear friends in shock in prayer in the waiting room and stretched my hand out to the window letting them know I'm aware and appreciate their presence.
Immediately the nurses closed the blinds and again more questions got asked, I probably didn't rationally answer them all envisioning my house on fire, my sons in the house, and smelling the smell of the burned clothing that I was wearing, still thinking it was a bad nightmare.
I see my Pastor walking up to me, felt relieve and can't remember much of what I shared with him, but saw tears in my Pastors eyes.
Suddenly I was given paperwork I had to sign and after signing, got undressed, was put on a stretcher and saw my friend the Sheriff's Deputy, he asked me what he could do, I remembered that he had a co-worker whose wife is Dutch, if he could ask her if she could call my mother and let her know what was going on, since my mother doesn't speak any English.
I was told Remmy and I were going to be life flighted due to our severity of burns but also the fear that I singed airways or lungs.
I wanted to see Noelle, Beanie and Able before I go, I asked them friendly, I saw Able drawing, Beanie clinging a lady we didn't know (but now we see as a dear friend), Noelle was taken care of by nurses and still in shock.
Then, I was put on a stretcher, bright light aimed at my face, next thing I woke up in SLC in the Burn Unit and felt a catheter was put in.
I turned slowly and saw one of our elders (who became a good friend) on the couch next to my bed.
The first thing I wanted to do when I was capable to speak, think and had enough strength to move see Remmy, It finally came to me that I wasn't dreaming but my worst nightmare had become reality.
When the nurses were able to move me into a wheelchair I went to Remmy's Room in the same Unit, there he was, my 10 month old son laying in a small hospital bed (crib), wrapped in oozing bandages, swollen, intubated (where a machine does the breathing for you) almost life-less, beeping monitors, I.V.'s, but luckily there was also someone singing to him and holding his hand (the elder's wife).
Everything came to the realization  that I needed to cry, I cried so hard, I think I even had to throw up, since so much emotion became one finally one expression of pain.
Everyone in our room cried, my friends (the elders) but also the nursing staff cried along with us.

Doesn't it say in the Psalms somewhere that God preserves every tear, none of our sufferings is in vain????